Awards Banquet

By Jay Unver

The red carpet was rolled out, the smiles were ubiquitous, and the excitement palpable as athletes and their families flooded into the old opera house in downtown Lehrton this past Friday night for the fourth annual Big ASS Awards Banquet. Inside, tables made of plywood sheets laid on top of well-worn saw horses were decorated with artificial red roses set in plastic vases, producing a scene indescribably lovely.

Zane Hodge, dressed in his best blue suit, arrived with his wife, Penny, and immediately looked around and asked bystanders, “Anyone seen that tall guy?” an obvious reference to his rival, Randy Beets, who had not yet arrived. After posing for photos and signing a few autographs, Hodge and wife went inside and were seated.

Boy Scout Troop 200’s recent crop of Eagles Scouts served as ushers, servers, and drummer for the long anticipated event. Their artwork, child-like water color paintings of swimmers swimming also adorned the top of the plywood sheets which, along with the plastic flowers, created a setting words could never capture.

Once inside, Hodge and wife took their seats at their designated table which was marked, as were all the tables, by 3 X 5 index cards folded in half and names decoratively inscribed by one of the boy scouts with a quality number 2 pencil. Staige Roberts, one of the new Eagle Scouts, served the attendees hors d’oeuvres of mayonnaise and crackers from a decorative plastic serving tray. The organization had spared no expense.

Randy Beets arrived with his mother, Betty Ryan Beets, and father, Ray Beets. They were seated on the opposite side of the festive hall with a whole table of security officers seated in between them and Hodge’s table. Justin Nunnery and wife, Angelique, arrived and were also seated far away from Hodge. Hodge and Beets have come to fisticuffs on more than one occasion, and Hodge and Nunnery fought at the Heart O’ Dixie Triathlon after Nunnery narrowly defeated a disgusted Hodge for the Big ASS World Triathlon Championship.

The Reverend Jim Bob Duggan was called to the podium for the invocation and then Dr. Nomann took the microphone while the boy scouts served the congregants a delicious meal of potted meat stew, poke salad, and corn bread.

“I have a couple of important announcements to make one of which I will save for later,” Nomann said to the eager crowd. “Big ASS Endurance is pleased to proclaim it has taken the Fasttrack Fatties Athletic Club into the fold. The Fatties are now a subsidiary of Big ASS.” The room erupted in applause and Zane Hodge, the founder of Fasttack Fatties, was seen to wipe a tear from his proud eyes.

In case you don’t remember, Big ASS Endurance was formed four years ago when Dr. Nomann negotiated the merger of the Association of Sports Syclists, the Association of Sports Shufflers, and the Association of Sports Swimmers into one large sports group in a maneuver that ESPN called, “The biggest move in sports since Roberto Duran got the runs in New Orleans.”

And for the athletes impacted by the merger, life has been immeasurably better. Big ASS immediately began signing the best athletes in their respective sports to contracts that, while admittedly far from lucrative, have had a positive impact on the lives and the men and women who hitherto had competed solely for the love of sport.

Hodge, for instance, is reported to make a base salary of $35 and three cans of potted meat per year. While that is far from a living wage, the real financial benefits to the athletes come in the way of tax benefits. By having the legal status of professional athletes, many of their training and travel expenses are tax deductible.

Not everyone, however, agrees that Dr. Nomann’s merger has been a good thing. Mike Nerdo, former president of the Association of Sports Syclists says nothing has been the same since the merger. “I lost my job and Zane Hodge, who was the best ASS syclist in the world for three straight years and the face of our organization, now won’t even return my phone calls,” he said bitterly in a recent interview.

When asked about the rift between him and Nerdo, Hodge admitted to giving his former boss the stiff arm. “True, I don’t take his calls anymore. But that’s because every time he rings me up, he wants to borrow money.”

Be that as it may, the merger happened about the time Hodge was transitioning from syclists to open water swimmer, and while he may have been the face of the old Association of Sports Syclists, he has since become the face of Big ASS Endurance with numerous world championships in victory after victory over the tall but determined Randy Beets.

The crowd enjoyably ate their meals and then Nomann took the microphone for his second announcement. “For the past four years, Swim the Suck Ten Miler in Chattanooga, Tennessee has been our world championship race for swimmers who are members of the organization,” Nomann reviewed. “In years past, that has turned out to be a two way race between Hodge and Beets, as you all undoubtable know. This year, however, a third Big ASS athlete is officially registered for the Suck. The 2015 world championship will be a swim off between Hodge, Beets, and Justin Nunnery.”  

The crowd erupted in applause. Nunnery smiled big and waved to the room. Even Beets seemed happy. Hodge, on the other hand, didn’t clap and looked stunned almost beyond belief. Seeing that, I got up from the press table and eased over to Hodge’s table and asked, “Your response?”

“Now I know why he volunteered to pilot me at the last Suck. He was studying me and the course. Now he is coming to take me on. I feel played, hustled. That’s OK. Just another tall guy whose butt I’ll beat,” an obviously agitated Hodge quipped.

Then it was time for the awards. Triathlete World Champion and Triathlete of the Year was Justin Nunnery for his narrow thin victory ove3r Hodge at the Heart O’ Dixie. Rookie Swimmer of the Year was Big ASS newbie Anabel Lavers of London, England, who thanked the organization through Skype. Marathoner of the Year was Hodge for his numerous Buddy Bones victories. And Open Water World Champion and Swimmer of the Year for the fourth straight year was Hodge who defeated Beets in abstentia at the 2014 Suck. Hodge also won Catfish Pond Swimming Champion and Sportsman of the Year. There was a smattering of boos at Hodge being named Sportsman of the Year probably on account of his penchant for fist fighting his chief rivals.

Then Nomann announced the very last award of the night. Ethan Oltrami, recent Eagle Scout, did the drum roll while Nomann proclaimed: “The 2014 Biggest Loser of the Year award goes to [long pause here and really good drum roll] Randy Beets!”

A smattering of applause barely covered Hodge’s snickering, but nothing could cover his smile. “I love theses banquets,” Hodge said and he and his wife left the opera house with armloads of trophies. “Already I looking forward to the next one.”

Big ASS Awards Banquet

Most of the major athletes of Big ASS Endurance met recently for the annual awards banquet. World renown reporter Jay Unver was there covering the event for the Lehrton Gazette. He was kind enough to send an electronic edition for me to post here, so below is Unver's article.

2013 Big ASS Awards Banquet

By Jay Unver

This past January 24, on National Anna Vanwinkle Day, Big ASS Endurance held its Fourth Annual Awards Banquet at the beautiful, scenic opera house in downtown Brazil, Mississippi. Not surprisingly, Zane Hodge walked away with the lion’s share of hardware, awards, and prizes. But first, there was a ton of interesting events leading up to Hodge’s coronation.

For the uninitiated, Big ASS Endurance is the umbrella organization comprised of the Association of Sports Swimmers, the Association of Sports Shufflers, and the Association of Sports Syclists. Big ASS Endurance oversees the three sports associations as well as sanctions triathlons and ratifies world records set in the various endurance sports. Once every January, the group meets to socialize, recognize its stars from the previous year, and emphasize its events on the upcoming calendar.

The athletes began arriving around 6:00 pm and were promptly greeted at the door and then seated by seven nubile young ladies who wore form fitting swim attire, pink nose tape, and color coordinated high heel sandals, pink of course. Several of the male athletes, after taking their seats, were caught sneaking peeks at the young ladies. Some even slyly snapped photographs with their phones.

The three long lumber tables, which seated the athletes and their families, were neatly covered with newspaper--The Lehrton Gazette-- and adorned with place settings of heavy duty paper plates surrounded by salvaged silverware plucked from various roadsides by Big ASS runners on their training and journey runs. The rustic nature of the bent and scarred spoons, forks, and knives lent a masculine quality to the atmosphere which went nicely with the theme of “Athletic Excellence for a Better Life.”

Complementary snuff adorned the outside end of each table, nestled against imitation copper cuspidors which were formed in the shape of upside down swim caps. Swim goggles with straps removed, also upside down, were filled with various sauces into which the athletes dipped their hors d’oeuvres. These pre-meal snacks included mustard sardines, Vienna sausages, and carrot sticks.

Security was high primarily to prevent Randal Beets, who was seated with his mother and brother Andrew, and Zane Hodge, who was seated with his wife, from fighting, which they have done in the past. Three armed police officers kept themselves positioned between Hodge and Beets ensuring an absence of fisticuffs.

At their own table on the dais sat the dignitaries the Rev. Jim Bob Dugan, a local pastor, Dr. Timothy Nomann, President of Big ASS Endurance, and Robin Bond, Big ASS athlete and the night’s featured speaker. After a prayer by Rev, Dugan and while the latest country music played over the sound system, the attendees feasted on deer steak, baked beans, and polk salad. Near the end of their meal, Bond took the podium.

For thirty-minutes, an emotional Bond recounted her experience crewing for Randy Beets at the 2013 Swim the Suck Ten Miler near Chattanooga, TN, a popular race that serves as the Association’s Open Water World Championship and for the third year in a row pitted Hodge vs Beets in an epic swim off. “We were ahead in the race for four miles,” Bond said several times during her presentation which included numerous photographs she took from her kayak. “They even swam side by side for a few minutes after Hodge caught us,” she recounted with tears trickling down her cheeks. “After he passed us, we almost caught back up to him. We almost caught him,” she repeated and then broke down into utter weeping and had to be ushered back to her seat.

Beets sat on the edge of his chair while Bonds spoke, and he also teared up as heard his partner describe how the world championship slipped away from him for the third year in a row. Just as Bond broke down, Beets’ mother, who also sat with wet eyes, cried aloud and fainted, causing a stir among the congregation. Beets jumped to his feet to come to his mom’s aid and tripped on a table leg and fell on his long face. Someone said Hodge snickered at Beets’ misfortune.

After composure was regained among the athletes and guests, Dr. Nomann ascended the podium and began presenting trophies and titles. Hodge was awarded the World Open Water Championship, for his defeat of Beets at the Suck; the Catfish Pond Swimming Championship, for his numerous defeats of Beets in the ponds; the World Triathlon Championship, for his defeat of Beets’ relay team at the Heart O’ Dixie Triathlon; the Half-Marathon Running Championship, for his defeat of Beets at the Hotter Than Hades Half; the new Anna Vanwinkle Award, for the totality of his victories over Randy Beets; and in addition, he was named Big ASS Swimmer of the Year, Big ASS Runner of the Year, and the Big ASS Athlete of the Year.

Beets, on the other hand, won his third straight Big ASS Loser of the Year award as well the Cold Water Swimmer of the Year award. In addition, Beets won the first annual Tallest Momma’s Boy trophy. Hodge was all smiles as the ceremony came to an end, and he was overheard saying to Beets, “Congratulations, big ass loser.”

Besides his trophies, Hodge was given prizes that included a cooler containing six ice-cream sandwiches, four cans of potted meat, and a line of credit with Johnny’s Used Jammers.

When asked for a word on the night, a jubilant Hodge hoisted one of his trophies overhead and yelled, “Life is good as long as I’m beating Beets’ butt! Yehaaa!”