Big ASS Awards Banquet

Big ASS Awards Banquet

by Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) The stars showed up for the biggest event Lehrton, Mississippi has seen since Jim Bob Duggan won the 'Possum Eatin' contest at City Park in 1975. The new event was the 2017 Big ASS Awards Banquet Saturday night at the association's training center in the downtown of this delightful delta hamlet. Valet parking, a real red strip of indoor/outdoor carpet, two photographers, and a dozen screaming fans made for an excitement that could be felt. 

While the red-carpeters arrived, Jim Bob shot a shotgun every time one of the athletes slipped out the door of his auto and handed the wheel to Jason Nason who parked the cars and pickup trucks in the Big ASS parking lot. The rest of the Barber Shop served as the Color Guard and marched in with pride and pomp ahead of the athletes and posted the Confederate Battle Flag at the podium while the Lehrton City Band played the national anthem in several tunes and keys.

Dr. Nomann welcomed the crowd, said a prayer, and the food was served: gormet hot dogs, fantastic fries, and fried apple pies were washed down with RC Colas and sweet tea. The banqueters must have thought they had died and gone to heaven. Although I was there as a journalist, I nabbed a passing hot dog and wolfed it down before I needed to jot some additional notes. It was a fine wiener with slaw and a yellow mustard sauce. I wanted another, but shortly the ceremony started and that left my stomach growling and my eyes prowling.

The long wooden tables, as usual, were covered with newspapers, old editions of the Lehrton Gazette, only this time they only used the sports sections. How did they save that many copies? To be expected, most of the sports news in this town is Big ASS Endurance, its events, its athletes, its plans. Of course, there was the unfortunate trial and punishment of Zane Hodge early in 2017, so his picture adorned the top of almost every table. 

Hodge was there with his lovely wife, Penny, and seated in the visitors section was Team Centerville: Gerald and Debbie Johnson, Sheila Mitchell, Trevor and Kasey McLean, and Gerry Johnson. Randy Beets and his girlfriend Robin were in attendance via Skype, a fact that seemed to irritate Hodge who kept finding reasons to rise from his seat and walk past the laptop screen while picking his nose.

Award winner MJ Staples witnessing the start of Chicot VI.

Award winning boat captain, Gerald Johnson.

When the award ceremony proper began, Hodge sat on the edge of his seat, eager, no doubt, to experience the ratification of his world record swim which occurred one day after his suspension expired. When that time came, Hodge was called to the podium to receive his trophy. The new record upped Hodge's previous best one day, nonstop swim from 22.3 to 23.5 miles. The crowd gave thunderous applause while some members of Team Centerville wept. 

MJ Staples won the best Official Observer award for her rookie work documenting Hodge's Chicot Challenge. Dr. Nomann remarked that her notes on Hodge's swim were "a model of how it's done."

Justin Nunnery and Gerald Johnson, captains for the Challenge, each won co-boat captain of the year.

Shay Darby received both Rookie of the Year as well as being named Triathlon Team World Champion for his performance at the Heart O' Dixie Triathlon.

World Team Tri Champion, Shay Darby at the HOD.

Randy Beets was awarded nothing, recognized for nothing, mentioned for nothing. Hodge kept glancing toward the laptop and easing his trophy closer and closer toward Beets' line of sight.

Sheila Mitchell and Gerry Johnson were recognized for their outstanding first time kayak work at the world record Chicot swim, and for the first time ever, Nomann took time to recognize a couple of the Association's newest signees. Wilson Carroll, 58, and his son Spence, 12, were asked to stand. Spence was, Nomann told the crowd, the youngest athlete the Association had ever inked. Although he did not say so, some were speculating that the Carroll duo were destined to take Hodge's place in the Chicot Challenge. After the event when I asked Carroll if he and his son intended to swim the Chicot, he simple said, "No comment."

Spence Carroll, the youngest Big ASS signee in history.