Gun Shoots Make Happy

Gun Shoots Make Happy

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) The little town of Lehrton, Mississippi was abuzz with visible and palpable activity and excitement Wednesday morning ahead of Saturday night's Big ASS Awards Banquet. The annual event honors the achievements of the Association's top athletes, and is enthusiastically embraced by the entire town since moving here from Brazil, Mississippi three years ago. This year, however, will the the first time the banquet will be held in the Training Center. The 2016 banquet was held at the old Lehrton Cotton Warehouse building and the year before it was hosted by the Lehrton Opera House.

I drove past the headquarters to see if I could detect any preparations. In front of the Big ASS Training Center, I spied an old man was raking leaves, despite the bitter cold, and a young girl was taping balloons around the building's doorway. Next, I drove to City Hall where I caught up with Mayor Khabib to get his comments on the upcoming festivities. 

"We berry berry sited," he spoke in his thick Arabic accent. "We clean up town. We no have budget for fireworks, so citizens bring shotguns. Just like New Year. Many shotguns, much shooting. Only this time we ask not to shoot street lights."

"So you had street lights shot out at New Year's?" I asked.

"Street lights, stop signs, police cars. Citizens gets sited and shoots eberyting."

"But you are still allowing guns shooting in town Saturday night?"

"Yes. We want bisitors beel sabe and be happy. Gun shoots make happy."

"Gun shoots make happy. There's my headline."

"You like. We like people like," the mayor replied with a big smile on his face.

Shish Khabib went on the tell me that the town's only motel is at full capacity with all ten rooms sold out for the weekend, up from the usual one to two rooms rented and that the Lehrton Cafe is hiring extra staff to handle the expected uptick in business. Additionally, Mayor Khabib asked me to mention Jim Bob's Barber Shop. "He cut hairs berry good. Berry good. Come to Lehrton bor banquet, bor gun shoots, bor eats, bor hairs cut."

Come indeed. Tickets can be purchased at City Hall, the Lehrton Barbor Shop, or at the Big ASS Training Center for a nominal $10. And if you can't come, not to fear. You can zoom in on Facebook Live, and within a day or two I will have a comprehensive article in the Lehrton Gazette. This one promises to a doozy, and Dr. Nomann has relentlessly promoted the event on Facebook, in the Gazette, and in the monthly Lehrton County Squirrel Dog magazine. Since Hodge is expected to receive numerous awards, the town is sure to turn out. Despite his age and his loss of dominance, Hodge remains an extremely popular athlete in this small delta town.