The Great Greenwood ATM Heist

We had a murder once, the kind you could make a movie about, not the shootout in the street type variety that we are all too familiar with. Actually, we have had a couple of those, murders that should be immortalized in film. But last Friday night, or was it Saturday morning? we had one of Greenwood’s greatest crimes, a dark deep one that made me laugh out loud when I read about it in the Commonwealth, our town’s local paper. Over the weekend some intrepid souls—there had to be more than one—stole an ATM machine from a very well-lit, well-manicured, well-patrolled bank that sits next to a well-populated neighborhood in a good part of town.

Are you kidding me?!?!?!?

I couldn’t help but think of me n Poot, my boyhood friend, and how it might have been us if we hadn’t got on the straight and narrow some years back. We both are married, have jobs, preach the Bible when someone will let us. I actually pastored a church for twenty-three years, thus proving God’s abundant sense of humor.

I’m almost jealous. According to our local paper, the police were on scene within minutes because ATMs have alarms and the alarm drew patrol cars to the bank only for the startled officers to discover a gapping empty space where the ATM sat only minutes before. And there was an abandoned forklift nearby. Turns out the forklift was also pilfered and left almost like a calling card taunting the police.

What!?!?!!?

Really??!?!?!

In Greenwood?!?!?!

Hey, you can’t make this stuff up.

Maybe crime is on the upswing in our little town by the river. By upswing, I mean this is one we can be proud of. So much of our crime is thuggish, boorish, dumbish. Normally we read about shootings, burglaries, murders, assaults, rapes, vandalism, traffic infractions, domestic violence, and other uncreative sins and violations of the law. This one, however, is different, is bold, cunning, admirable even.

First, somebody, some people, had some nerve to pull this off. I figure if I were approached to be let in on the scheme, I would have turned down the opportunity thinking the odds of getting caught had to be close to 100%. How in the world could you possibly expect to get away with it? As already stated, the area is well-lit, well-patrolled, covered with security cameras and security systems and sits close to some of Greenwood’s finest houses.

Second, this crime required a previous crime, the stealing of the forklift and the transportation of the stolen forklift to the scene. How can you possibly do that and not be seen? Dragging around a forklift at 4:00 am is not exactly normal behavior. Or maybe it did look normal to whomever must have seen the perpetrators. Perhaps they looked like hard-working men up early to get a jump on the predictable August heat.

Third, somebody had to be really good at operating a forklift because they had only minutes to load the ATM and get gone. And fourth, they had to leave, presumably with an ATM on a trailer and then drive to wherever. Who does that? Maybe driving around at 3:30 am with a forklift doesn’t draw suspicion but driving around with an ATM in the back of your truck or on your trailer? Come on now, how can that happen?

I assume one of the crooks ownes a machine shop that could deal with opening the stolen machine and extricating the heisted cash. I wonder what the police are doing this morning. Drinking coffee probably. I can’t help but wonder if any of them were in on the theft. I’m not accusing, just wondering. I hope they were not, and I hope they are stopping by every machine shop and garage in town. I hope the sheriff’s office is doing the same in the county. I hope, but excuse my pessimism, because I doubt they are doing anything but shaking their collective heads and wondering, “Who done it?” If I had to place a bet, my guess is that these thieves will never be found. They will spend their hard stolen green freely in Greenwood and then face God with their crime and whatever other misdeeds they have done. One simply does not start with a crime of this magnitude but one has to build up to this level. Sort of like me n Poot burning houses and shooting stuff. We started shooting road signs and then barns and then automobiles. But that is another story.

This bold act makes me jealous. Stealing a forklift and using it to steal an ATM makes me think if me and Poot were still outlaws, it might have been us doing that. The Great Greenwood ATM Theft gets my vote for crime of the century. I have lived every single year of the present century and this is the most daring, most admirable, most astonishing thing that has happened in Greenwood yet. I can’t imagine what these guys will do for an encore other than go in the bank and take all the money out, or steal the whole bank. Imagine that. The police answer an alarm and find a forklift where a bank once sat, or a gas station maybe. One thing is for sure. This crime has fueled my imagination and fired me up to look at the paper today. I can’t wait to see if there is a break in the case, or if anything else has been hit. Life has suddenly become more interesting.