Raging against Hodge

Raging against Hodge

By Jay Unver

After months of training, suspense, and controversy, Randy Beets is a world champion. It was a tumultuous few days for the tall guy first having his suspension lifted and then suffering a surprising and stunning defeat at the hands of newcomer Justin Nunnery in the Pensacola Tri last Saturday, May 17th. Beets, however, came storming back to handily outpace Nunnery and win the inaugural Big ASS World Salt Water Championship Three Miler the next day.

Dr. Timothy Nomann himself was on hand to witness history and what many are calling Beets' finest hour. After his emergence from the water-- knocking an amazing twenty-three minutes off his best time-- and after receiving the championship medal from Nomann, I caught up with the first time champion and asked him the question that was on every one's mind.

Beets after his victory but before his tirade

I asked if he felt his victory was in some way tainted due to the absence of his chief rival, Zane Hodge. Beets response was, "#%$+ that little son of a *&#^%. That #@=&6ing little turd was too much of a coward to show up here. I would have whipped his a$$ and %$*^ed him up for good. I think he's a sorry #@%$ *^&& @#+^!"

At this point, several mothers covered their small children's ears and began to retreat to a safer location. Beets, whose fury was still not spent, resumed. "I think Hodge is a #!@$ *%^& $%#^ *@%#$ &^@$#% +_#^%@#$%."

Being a little nonplussed, I enquired about the upcoming charity swim, the Chicot Challenge, which the two men are slated to work together. Once more Beets went mental at the mere mention of Hodge's name. "That little %#$$ @*&& #@^% has got Justine [Randy's pronunciation] Nunnery coming to protect him from me. Bull $*##."

And with that, I eased away, fearing the unstable Beets might turn violent and attack me or an innocent bystander.