Virtual Meet 2

Virtual Swim Meet 2

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) Controversy struck like a bad storm at Virtual Swim Meet 2: Hodge versus Beets. Unlike the the virtual race and the first virtual meet, Hodge was relaxed when I met him at his house and followed him to the pool. Beets had not reported his times so Hodge felt no pressure.

He warmed up with 1,100. After that, he put on his swim cap and busted out 300 yards in 4:26. He was breathing hard as he lapped his watch and began a cool down swim of 250 yards. Then it was time for the 100. He did a dive start and beat last week's time of 1:22 with a 1:20. He then swam another 275 and got himself ready for the biggie, the 600. After 9:16, he was sucking air having completed a hard 600 yards. Immediately he put on small paddles and swam 400 easy, then he did some 50s with medium paddles and finished off with an easy 100 with small paddles. His total swim was 3,325 yards.

All was well, Hodge was happy, and then my phone rang. It Randy Beets and he was upset. He has swum his first two swims, but before he could do the 600, the power went out at Morganton Aquatic Center. 

"The power has never gone out there. Never. The weather is perfect. I smell a rat. Zane Hodge had something to do with this." It was too dark for him to see the walls. He wanted Dr. Nomann's number; he wanted to file a complaint.

Of course, you can imagine Hodge's reaction when told all of this. His face turned as red as a beet (pun intended); he yelled, said I knew where he was that he had never been within 400 miles of Morganton, North Carolina; said Randy Beets was a big, tall baby, a whiny butt, a sissy, a disgrace to all real swimmers everywhere. He shook his fist a said, "If the Association of Sports Strikers had gone through, his butt would be whipped already."

Just as he was finishing his tirade, my phone rang again. It was Dr. Nomann. I must inform you that I do more than write articles for Big ASS Endurance. I also serve as a witness to athletic events, and at times I act as an investigator. Nomann was opening an investigation, and he ordered me to follow Hodge home and retrieve his cell phone and his laptop.

The fit just hit the shan.

New Heat Wave

New Heat Wave

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) If you have been wondering when things are going to cool down, don't expect it anytime soon. Things are heating up between Randy Beets and Zane Hodge. With Hodge setting record after record in the pool, it seems his call out of long-time rival Randy Beets is finally being heard. Beets answered Monday morning, September 30th in Morgantown, North Carolina with a new Big ASS world record in the 100 yard short course freestyle.

When told of Beets' accomplishment, Hodge seemed stunned, shaken, incredulous. "Really?" he kept asking over and over about Beets' 1:09 100 yard time. "It was witnessed? It was timed by someone competent? The pool was measured?"

The answer to all those questions is yes, yes, and yes. It is a new world's best, and now Hodge is no longer the only name in the record books.

When asked when he would try to break Beets' mark, Hodge replied, "I can't swim 1:09. Heck, I won the Mississippi State Senior Olympics at 1:15, and that was my fastest sprint in years. All I can say is if he can swim 1:09, he is a better sprinter than me."

When I asked him if he would try to train up to besting Beets' time, he hesitated before answering. "Well, I'll always think about it when I'm training."

We were at Plate City Gym and Hodge was doing bench presses. We talked between sets. 

"I'm not a sprinter. You know that," he reminded to me. He still seemed stunned. I was stunned to see Hodge apparently capitulate that distance to a man he has relished dominating for the past ten years.

He did a another set on the bench, eight reps at 105 pounds. 

"Aren't you going a bit light?" I asked.

"Yes. I'm starting a new cycle. You always drop down and rebuild."

He was quiet awhile. Then he added, "You know I set three records this morning." 

I had heard. It was the talk around Big ASS Headquarters that Hodge and Beets were assaulting each other in the water. Hodge set a new 5,500 meter time trial mark and en route to it broke two of his previous marks. He set new times for the 5,000 (1:49:51) and the 5,100 (1:51:59) lowering marks he set only last week.

"So I beat Beets three to one." he said after petting his dog Pee Wee. "I call that a victory. What do you call it?" he asked.

"A story," I answered. "I call it a story. See ya later; I'm gunna go write it."

A Challenge for the Challenger?

A Challenge for the Challenger?

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) The Chicot Challenger and Big ASS Endurance kingpin, Zane Hodge, may have finally found some competition. Unknown Tristan Stacey has stepped forth and offered to take on the swimming sensation is a match race set for December 16th, 2019, at 7:00 a.m.

"How did this come about?" I asked Hodge over a cup of coffee at Plate City Gym, Hodges's private training facility, last Friday. We chatted as he rested between sets of upper body weight work that he told me was designed to make him stronger in the water.

"He's a student at the MDCC Greenwood Center where I teach. He just walked up to me-- I was on the sidewalk stretching my calves-- and he threw down the challenge, said he could beat me at swimming, said he could beat me at anything."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that. Really. He didn't preface it with anything."

"What does he know about your swimming?"

"I don't know what he knows or how he knows it."

"Why a December date?" I was curious to learn.

Hodge and Stacey square off at the MDCC Greenwood Center.

"He said he needed three months to get in shape."

"So you accepted?"

"Of course. That's what I do; I take on all comers."

"Has your training changed any since you have a set race coming up?"

"No."

"Will it?"

"Maybe. I work pretty hard anyway. There is not likely to be the need to change my training programming. I may do a little more speed work as the date draws near."

"What do you know about Stacey's athletic background?" I asked.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. If he can even swim, I don't know. I presume he can or he wouldn't have made the challenge."

"Are you nervous?"

"No. I'm sixty-three years old. I can't be hurt. If he beats me, he beats an old man. If I beat him, well, how could he ever live it down?" Hodge quipped with a cheesy grin.

"You're getting off on this aren't you?"

"Heck yeah. Without a Randy Beets, I was needing somebody. Maybe God sent him, Stacey. I don't know. I'm just glad someone is stepping up to the plate. I've been at the plate all alone for a long time."

"Good luck," I told him. "I'll check in with you from time to time until the race goes down."

"Thank you. I have to get back to work now. Stop by anytime."

I walked off and glanced back in time to see Hodge doing a set of pull ups. He dropped off the bar and went straight into a set of Swim Pulls. No wonder the old man keeps winning, I thought. No wonder.

Record Harvest

Record Harvest

by Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) The local farmers may or may not be bringing in a record harvest, but one Big ASS athlete certainly is. The Big ASS record book is filling up with a familiar name: Zane Hodge. Hodge came to fame back in 2010 when he set numerous records on the bicycle and in running road races. Recently the aged all-round endurance phenom has been on another tare setting world record after world record in the water, on the road, and in the gym, while his rival, Randy Beets has been missing in action.

In the new Association of Sports Strongmen, Hodge has set several bench press records recently. He set world marks in the double, triple, and single with

2 X 165 (9/9/2019)
3 X 155 (9/9/2019)
1 X 170 (9/17/2019)

"With this new Association, the records are just waiting to be set. What is Beets waiting on? I don't understand," complained Hodge about Beets' lack of athletic response.

In the water, Hodge has been just as active churning out records that Beets has not dared to challenge. Over the past couple of weeks, Hodge has swum for the record books:

4,100 1:36:30
3,100 1:07:46
4,600 1:40:49
5,000 1:53:09
5,100 1:53:50
350 6:29.61

"I guess Beets will never challenge me again," a subdued Hodge said between sips of coffee. We were sitting at Waffle House where I interviewed the champion. "It's kind of sad really."

Darby Inked

Darby Signed

By Jay Unver

Lehrton, MS (BA) After months of speculation, Dr. Timothy Nomann ended all rumors today when he announced the signing of endurance star Shay Darby to a multi-year contract. Darby, who hails from Philadelphia, Mississippi, has been spotted in Lehrton several times over the past two months fueling scuttlebutt that he and Big ASS were negotiating a deal. Details of that deal were not made public but what was revealed is that Darby inked "for three years at a higher than average base salary."

An ecstatic Darby and wife after
signing his Big ASS contract.

Ever since Nomann brokered an agreement to merge the Association of Sports Syclists with the Association of Sports Shufflers and the Association of Sports Swimmers to form Big ASS Endurance, the charismatic President and CEO has been relentless in the pursuit of top talent. Darby will add to an already deep pool of athletes that features the likes of Zane Hodge, Randy Beets, Justin Nunnery, Annabel Lavers, and others.

When asked for a comment, Hodge just smiled and gave a thumbs up. Beets, on the other hand, gave the same scowl we have seen the last couple of times he's been asked for a comment.

Although Darby's salary was not disclosed, the usual base pay for Big ASS athletes is $16.00 per year, a T-shirt, a $10.00 gift certificate to Jimmy's Used Swim Jammers, and two cans of potted meat annually. In addition, sometimes athletes are awarded performance bonuses as when Hodge was given a refurbished pair of goggles after his recent sixteen hour world record swim. After his bonus, Hodge reportedly blurted out, "I wanted cookies!"

At the press conference, Darby's pants bulged in what looked like two cans of potted meat in his left pocket and one in his right. If indeed he received an extra can of potted meat, one has to wonder if he also received the $17.00 one anonymous source reported he will be paid.

One thing is for sure, he and his lovely wife were all smiles as they left the Big ASS Training Center and headed for the Lehrton International Airport where they reportedly left for a vacation in Hawaii. 

New Ruling

Swim Ratified

By Jay Unver

Nomann

Lehrton, MS (BA) Dr. Timothy Nomann, reading from a prepared statement, announced Wednesday morning that Zane Hodge's Chicot Challenge VI swim had been accepted as the new Big ASS World Record surpassing Hodge's own mark set only a year ago. "The recent swim met all qualifications and has been adjudicated by the Rules Committee of Big ASS Endurance. Hodge's suspension, however, resumed at midnight June 4 and will continue until the Association rules otherwise," Nomann read before exiting the room.

As when Hodge's dispensation was granted, fireworks started going off almost immediately on the square in Lehrton, and gunfire could be heard erupting from the Lehrton County Coon Hunters Clubhouse almost two miles away. Several local business closed early while the people young and old danced in the park as coon dogs bawled like barking at a treed raccoon. 

Outside of Collett Street Recreation Center in Morganton, North Carolina, Randal Beets only sneered and said, "Eat a swim jammer," when asked his opinion on the new record. 

Hodge could not be reached for comment but was reportedly hidden away studying for his Sunday morning sermon to be delivered at Centerville Baptist Church.

Nomann Rules

Hodge Swim Official

by Jay Unver

(Lehrton, MS) In a stunning move Wednesday morning, Big ASS president and CEO, Dr. Timothy Nomann ruled on the Hodge case pending before the Association's Disciplinary Board. Citing the special circumstances of the swim and the cause which it supports, Nomann granted a one day dispensation temporarily lifting the star athlete's suspension. The dispensation will go into effect at 12:01 a.m. on June 3rd and last until 12:01 a.m. on June 4th. 

"Hodge's swim, the Chicot Challenge, will carry the full sanction of Big ASS Endurance and will be eligible for world record status if successful. The suspension will resume on June 4th and remain in effect until such a time as this Disciplinary Board deems appropriate to remove it."

Nomann left the conference room after this statement and took no questions from reporters who shouted them at him as he left the diaz. Within an hour, firecrackers started going off in downtown Lehrton. Cannon and gunfire could be heard at the Lehrton County Coon Hunters club house on Billy Bob Road. Despite his troubles, Hodge remains a popular figure in and around Lehrton. With most of the Barber Shop crew out on bail, celebrations were expected to possibly become excessive. As of press time, however, there had been no reports or rioting or other expressions of violence.

Mystery Solved

Mystery Solved

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, MS). The mystery of Zane Hodge's location has been solved. This reporter, clad in a ghillie suit and operating on a tip from a confidential source, hid his car and walked through the woods to the Lehrton County Coon Hunters' Association club house located deep in the woods off Jimmy Jack Road. From a safe distance and using a pair of high power, high resolution binoculars, I spied through an open window what looked like a despondent Hodge sitting inside. He appeared to be weeping while Junior Jones cooked steaks on grill on the porch. Around him was a gaggle of people, one petting him on the shoulder, another backwards-collar-wearing preacher praying, and a fat man who appeared to be a stand-up comic telling jokes. Their efforts seemed to have little positive impact on the distraught star swimmer.

Speculation as to Hodge's whereabouts and mental condition has been rampant of late and many have sought to track down the fallen and disgraced athlete. My latest intell said Hodge has been under constant supervision and on suicide watch since his plea and sentencing. From what I could tell looking through my binoculars, Hodge is in fact in a sad state indeed. 

One rumor had Hodge taking a submarine to Brazil where he allegedly was living in the jungle and surviving by hunting wild pigs and monkeys by day and hanging out at a bordello by night. Another rumor was sure he had fled to Mexico and was a short order cook in the tiny town of Guadalosta hid away in the mountains of southwest Jalisco. A third theory said Hodge had moved to Canada, undergone plastic surgery, and was surviving by picking up aluminum cans along Quebec's busy highways. But the old men at the barber shop were fully convinced that Hodge would never leave his cats. "He has a wife and cats in this town. Trust me, he ain't far away," said Smiley Bob Boggan.

I finally received a phone call from a trustworthy source that advised me to try the Coon Hunters clubhouse. "But don't be seen out there. They love Hodge and will shoot you at the drop of a hat because they think they are protecting him." I took the warning, secured the ghillie suit, and made the trip. 

Bingo! 

There sat Hodge inside the club house and surrounded by people attempting to help him cope. Besides the group who was attempting to cheer him up, someone brought him a bowl of ice cream, but even without the benefit of sound, I could clearly see Hodge was unmoved. At least now we know he is alive, and locally located, but he obviously needs more help than he is getting. If anyone can offer Hodge counseling, contact the Lehrton County Coon Hunters' Association at 662-897-0020.

Civil Disobedience

Civil Disobedience

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, MS) Downtown Lehrton erupted into a full-scale riot Monday night. The violence and ferocity of the protesters caught the Lehrton police as well as the sheriff's department off guard, understaffed, and unprepared.

Ever since Zane Hodge, the locally popular athlete, was sentenced to a massive fine, stripped of several world titles, and banished from Big ASS Endurance for a period of not less than one year, protests have been constant but peaceful. That all changed when one of the members of the Barber Shop tossed a rock through the window of the Lehrton Police Department. It was like a great dam burst, but instead of sending water downstream, rioting, fighting, burning, and destruction ensued.

In short order, the streets, already full of protesters carrying signs that read things like, "Hodge Was Framed," "The Russians Hacked Hodge," and "Hang Randy Beets," were set ablaze. A small group of masked men rolled some eighteen-wheeler tires onto the east end of Greasy Street and set them on fire. Within minutes, the west end of Lehrton's most trafficked thoroughfare was similarly set ablaze. 

Firearms were pulled from pickup trucks and blast after shotgun blast went off, many into the air, but I witnessed one of the Barber Shop crew shoot out the plate glass window of City Hall. Several stop signs were also rudely treated by the Barber Shop. The confused police watched in fear as trash cans were toppled from the sidewalks onto the streets, advertising billboards shot, and a squad car keyed.

When the highway patrol showed up to try to restore order, James Smootie released a caged raccoon onto Greasy Street and not long after that several pickup tailgates dropped and the coon hounds were set free. At least thirty dogs bawled and tracked the frightened coon, knocking over pedestrians and causing panic to an already wild setting.

The cheerleaders from the Lehrton High were on the sidewalks cheering and chanting for Hodge to be freed. When asked why they thought Hodge, who was not in jail, needed to be free, their reply was: "Because Beets is a jerk."

The Barber Shop, being mostly creeping-old men, soon wore themselves out and sat down to listen to the dogs run. The violence ended when the hounds treed the coon in City Park and the Barber Shop hobbled over along with the Lehrton County Coon Hunters Club, leaving the streets littered and burning but abandoned, save the cheerleaders who were by then cheering, "What do we want? Beets' death; when do we want it? Right now."

As of Tuesday morning, smoke was still rising from the streets of Lehrton. Downtown is closed to all traffic and business until further notice from the police department, said Chief of Police Jim Bob Duggin.

Hodge Pleads!

The trial of Big ASS World Champion Zane Hodge was to begin this morning in the Conference Center at the Association's headquarters in downtown Lehrton. Inside the building, the tension was thick, the security high, and speculation was running amuck. Everybody had an opinion and talked freely about how the Russians, at the behest of "that Beets guy," must have hacked Hodge's emails and training reports. The barber shop was there. The Coon Hunter's Club was there. The churches were there and so were the sidewalks. Everybody who was anybody was there drinking coffee, speculation, some even threatening to riot "If anything happens to Hodge."

Dr. Nomman entered the conference room at precisely 8:00 am, donned in a black robe and a scour-covered face. After taking his position at the bench, Nomann gaveled the court into session, and the proceedings began with the charges being read. A solid twelve minutes were consumed reading the 116 counts. Nomann then asked Hodge how he pled and gave him the opportunity to plead to each individual charge.

An audible gasp swept through the room when Hodge pled guilty to all counts. Nomann pounded the gavel furiously and demanded order in the courtroom. 
Nomann then asked Hodge if he indeed intended to forgo a trial and plead guilty to all 116 counts. Hodge's response was "Yes, Sir."

At that point, a surprised looking Nomann set March 15 at 8:00 a.m. as the date and time for sentencing. He then adjourned the court. 

Chaos ensued. Neither Hodge nor his lawyer said anything other than "No comment" as reporters shouted question after question at the fleeing duo who quickly made their way out of the packed building and into a waiting pickup truck. Two old men in overalls and carrying .410 shotguns, Hodge's body guards, jumped into the bed of the truck as it pulled away and headed west on Jimmy Jack Road and out of town. 

I attempted to pursue the rapidly moving truck in my car, but the truck abruptly stopped and the armed men, Bubba and Junior, climbed out of the truck and started walking my way with shotguns in tow. Fearing a confrontation, I turned around and sped back to town showering the old geezers with rocks from the road's surface as I put the pedal to the floor. 

Hodge Indicted

Hodge Indicted

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) At a press conference today, Big ASS Endurance handed down a shocking one hundred sixteen count indictment against the organization's biggest star, Zane Hodge. The charges include 91 counts of derogatory comments against the administration of Mississippi's premier endurance league, twenty-four counts of falsifying required training reports, and one count of insubordination. 

When asked about a timeline for a trail and punishment, Nomann responded that his staff is working overtime to "get this matter settled as quickly as possible." He added that "although this is an unfortunate circumstance for everyone involved with the organization," they were determined to get the matter behind them. Furthermore he added that justice must be served, and that "no one person is bigger than Big ASS, not even Hodge."

That statement, of course, led to reporters shouting questions about the possible punishment of Hodge if convicted. "All punishments, including banishment, are on the table."

Hodge's lawyer, Tom Flanagan, sat silently in the conference room as Nomann read the charges against his client. When asked later, Flanagan had "No comment" concerning the matter. "We will speak at the trial," was his only other words he spoke as he left the building.

Hodge could not be reached for comment, but a rumor quickly surfaced that he was seen standing on the Tallahatchie Bridge outside the railing as if preparing to jump. I drove over but failed to find Hodge on the bridge or in the water. He did not answer his phone nor return a voice message and was not at Plate City Gym, his usual haunt. This reporter will print additional details as they become available.

Hodge Unhappy

Hodge Cries Fowl

By Jay Unver

Lehrton, Mississippi. Zane Hodge was as angry as I have ever seen him, and I have seen him murderously mad at Randal Beets several times over the past few years. Big ASS Endurance had just announced the expansion of their Wikileaks, uh Wikibeets, investigation as it is now being called. Additionally, they revealed that the inquiry was "now focusing mostly on Hodge," according to President and CEO Dr. Timothy Nomann.

"Beets," Hodge kept repeating over and over. "I knew he was a low down son of a skunk, but I never thought he had either the intelligence or the spitefulness to pull this off."

"What proof have you that Randal Beets is behind this?" I asked. We were at Plate City Gym, an hour after the announcement. The gym is the one place I can usually find Hodge and get some insight into his mood and thought.

"Proof? Just look at his reaction when this first broke. He was jumping up and down like a little kid at Christmas, practically laughing out loud. He was on TV doing that. Then he posted the video of his shadenfruede on YouTube and Facebook. Isn't it obvious?"

"Shadenfreude?"

"Yeah. That's a German word that means 'joy at someone else's misfortune.'"

"Shadenfruede is not proof," I answered him. "Some would say it's not even evidence. If you have evidence that Beets started this ball rolling, you need to reveal it."

"I don't have any evidence. Not the courtroom kind. But trust me, he did it and I will do everything in my power to prove it. And if I ever catch him walking the street, I'm going to knock him out."

"That could get you suspended from Big ASS," I informed him.

"That is where this is headed anyway. Suspension. I can see it coming like a bad car wreck. Beets has been dreaming and scheming on me for years. When Nomann snubbed me at the banquet, the writing was on the wall. And then Beets won all those awards. He's finally getting it his way. I tell you what, if I get suspended, there's no telling what I'll do. Besides beating his butt, I will most likely move back to the Fasttrack Fatties. That's an organization founded on principle not on arbitrary rules they use to hang you with. They don't have these silly reporting requirements where you can get suspended if you make a simple mistake in arithmetic, and say you swam 20,000 meters when you only swam 19,900 because you added wrong. All of this is as stupid as Randy Beets is goofy. They act like you cheated or something if there is a reporting mistake."

"I don't remember you having this reaction when Beets was suspended over misreporting his height," I reminded him.

"And we still don't know how tall he is, do we?" Hodge snapped back.

"But either reporting matters or it doesn't. Which is it? You were all for it when it hit Beets. Now you are against it when you apparently think it is going to hit you."

"OK. I'm inconsistent. Sue me. I'm for anything that's against Beets and anything that's for me. It's called being competitive."

"Some would say it's called being a hypocrite."

Hodge reacted strongly at that. His face turned red, and then he stood up and stepped towards me with his right fist balled up as if he intended to strike me around the head and shoulders. His anger was alarming and I sought to deescalate the situation as quickly as possible.

"You're a preacher, aren't you?" I asked him, appealing to his better nature

"What's that got to do with it?"

"Preachers can't be beating people up."

"Samson did, and he made Scripture."

"Well, if you pull a Samson on me, you won't make Scripture, but you will make the newspaper. The Police Docket."

That caused him to think better of things and he sat down on a bench, stewing in silence.

"What am I going to do?" he asked after a few minutes of saying nothing.

"What have you done to get into trouble?" I asked. "No charges have been filed as of now."

"Geez. When they start one of these things, they're like the IRS. They're gunna find something whether there is anything to find or not. Beets has been working on this for years. Sucking up to Nomann and sending Christmas gifts to all the secretaries at Big ASS. I thought he was over it, over all the past fights and feuds we've had. But all this time he was working behind the scenes and simmering in thoughts of revenge."

He sat a bit longer and stared at the floor. Then he got up and said, "I better go hire Tom Flanagan of Morgan Morgan and Morgan to represent me. This is going to get worse before it gets better." 

So he drove away once more leaving behind a cloud of blue smoke big enough to kill the town's mosquitoes.

Big ASS Awards Banquet

The 2016 Big ASS Awards Banquet

By Jay Unver

Lehrton, MS. The stars were shinning bright like the twinkling above on a moonless night under a clear sky: Randy Beets, Zane Hodge, Robin Bond, Bel Lavers, Justin Nunnery, Tabatha Whitten, and a host of other successful but largely unknown athletes of the Association all showed up for the annual red carpet event. Accompanying the stars were all the trappings of prestige, pomp, and celebration at the 2015/16 Big ASS Awards Banquet. 

Cancelled in early 2016 due to an ISSIS threat, Big ASS and its athletes seemed determined to make up the lost year. The celebration/ceremony was held at the old Lehrton Cotton Compress Warehouse. The only building in town large enough to host the banquet sported a new coat of white house paint over it's rusty corrugated metal exterior. Valet parking was provided by the local Lehrton County Coon Hunters Association, and Dr. Nomann himself, the president and CEO of the organization, greeted each arrival with a bow, a handshake, and a smile.

When Hodge arrived, however, he extended his hand towards Nomann who looked back at the next arrival. Hodge, visible affected by the snub, reddened, went inside, and scowled as he took his seat. The tables, made of plywood on top of saw horses, were covered with old newspapers which featured Randy Beets winning the Open Water World Championship at Swim the Such in Chattanooga, Tennessee. This further irritated Hodge who proceeded to "spill" dipping sauce on the newspapers, covering Beets' face with yellow liquid.

Missing was Randy Beets' mom, who reportedly explained her absence during a phone interview that she feared and dreaded a dust up between Hodge and her son. Further, she reported, that "Hodge doesn't know how to act in public."

The revelers were treated to the live music of Johnny Smutt and the Bad Boys who played several cover songs was well as some of their original pieces that have started bar fight across the county and beyond. The local Ladies Water Aerobics group were the servers as well as being undercover security. They carried out slice after slice of pizza from Lehrton's own famous Jim Bob's Pizza. Jim Bob himself was on hand wearing a clean T-shirt and a huge smile on his unusual face.

After the meal, Dr. Nomann took the dais and announced the 2015 winners. Randy Beets was the Open Water World Champion by default due to Hodge not making Swim the Suck that year. Bel Lavers became the first Big ASS Swimmer to conquer the English Channel and took home a large trophy and the world record for the longest swim, 21 miles. Hodge was named Athlete of the Year and Triathlon World Champion due to his performance at the venerable Heart O' Dixie.

The ceremony then moved into year 2016. Again, Randy Beets was World Open Water Champion. Hodge once more reclaimed his world record of longest swim with his 22.38 mile Chicot Challenge on June 11, 2016. Tabatha Whitten was named Rookie of the Year, and Randy Beets again was the Open Water World Champion, but additionally,his 2012 film on the Chicot Challenge 2012 was nominated for Film of the Year. Furthermore, Beets was nominated for Best Screenplay, Videographer of the Year, and Film Editor of the Year, Producer of the Year, and Directer of the Year. The entire movie was played for the attendees and Hodge was seen wiping tears from his face while watching himself on the big screen. 

Beets won all the film awards.



After the banquet ended and everyone was filing out, someone asked Hodge about the investigation. Apparently Hodge took offense, turned to take a swing at the guy but tripped, fell, and broke the only trophy he won that night.

Yeah, it was a bad night for Hodge.

Wikibeets

Problems Found

by Jay Unver

Dr. Timothy Nomann met the press this morning at the Big ASS Training Center in Lehrton, Mississippi. Reading from a prepared statement he said:

"Numerous irregularities have been discovered in the reporting of some of our contract athletes. Also, personal attacks on the management of Big ASS has shown up in some personal emails. Additionally, further undisclosed problems have been detected. Since the investigation is ongoing, we have nothing else to add at this point."

Nomann then walked off the podium while reporters hurled questions his way like "peaceful" Trump protesters tossing rocks through business windows. 

For the rest of the day, the whole town of Lehrton was abuzz. At Toby's Barber Shop, the old men who regularly gathered there blamed all the trouble on "the Russians" who "surely have hacked Big ASS." I had gone in to get a hair trim and thus became privy to the town's talk machine. 

"Ain't that Beets guy of Russian descent?" one old man in overalls asked the group. 

While I was receiving my haircut, a gaggle of four-overalled men played checkers on a card table in the corner. 

"Pinko commy sissy if I ever saw one," a decrepit checker player piped in. 

"Wikileaks my a$$," the ancient man sitting across from him spouted. "Wikibeets more like it."

"Yeah," another talking overall answered, "Wikibeets."

I left Toby's Barber Shop and went to City Grocery on the square. While in the check out line I overheard one middle aged woman chatting with the cashier. "Witch hunt. It's that Beets guy. They are going after Hodge, and I think it's a shame. But just you remember this," she said with the blood rising in her face, "God don't like no ugly." 

Later, I caught up with Zane Hodge who was working out at Plate City Gym. When informed of Nomann's remarks, Hodge looked ill and sat down for a few minutes. I asked for a response and he said was, "Anything I write in a personal email is just that. Personal. If they discipline me for something I wrote in private to a friend, I may leave Big ASS and go back to The Fasttrack Fatties Athletic Club. Geez, this administration is repressive. These are Nazis. Nomann is a Nazi and Randy Beets is Joseph Stalin." 

"Can I quote you on that?" I asked, but he never answered.

I also inquired at to what he may have written that could lead to discipline. Hodge was silent as if lost in thought.

Hodge then rose and began to pace the gym with a worried look plastered across his face.

"I'll tell you what this is," he finally spoke out in an agitated voice. "This is Wikibeets, not Wikileaks. Beets done it. This has Beets written all over it."

"That's what they called it at the barber shop," I informed him. "The also called it Wikibeets." 

But Hodge acted like he didn't hear and kept pacing about. Then he picked up a pair of dumbbells and did a few bicep curls. Flinging the weights to the ground he shouted, "I'll get that Beets if it's the last thing I do. Hear me? I'll get Beets for this!"

An ill-tempered Hodge then stormed out of the gym yelling, "If you have anymore questions, you can contact my lawyer."

"Who is your lawyer?" I yelled back.

"I don't know yet," he answered and he climbed into his truck and sped away leaving a cloud of blue smoke in his wake.

Document Dump

Ever since the Association of Sports Syclists, the Association of Sports Shufflers, and the Association of Sports Swimmers merged in 2010 to form Big ASS Endurance, the sporting world has been abuzz and sometimes ablaze with news controversy, and sometimes just plain craziness. The craziness has returned.

After a couple of mostly silent years, due to Zane Hodge foregoing his annual showdown with Randle Beets at Swim the Suck, and the cancellation of the 2015 Big ASS Awards Banquet due to an ISIS threat, the volume of chatter has suddenly returned in subwoofer-busting loudness with the recent Wikileaks document dump of 13,000 + emails, training records, and secretly recorded videos of the Association's biggest stars Hodge and Beets.

When asked for his comment, Big ASS President Dr. Timothy Nomann said, "It will take some time to wade through all of these videos, emails, and records. We will respond at an appropriate time. If errors in reporting by our athletes are found, they will be dealt with swiftly and decisively." Nomann was obviously referring to the contract athletes monthly training reports required by the Association.

Jay Unver, match-maker, reporter, promoter, and investigator for the organization, retorted that the implications of this new information "could be enormous and possible may see one or both of the star athletes being censored, suspended, or even fired. Hopefully, none of the emails have the athletes being critical of management. That could be a real bombshell and result in some severe punishments."

When told of the Wikileaks, a visibly shaken Hodge refused comment as he jogged across the MDCC Greenwood Center's parking lot and through the front door of the building where he works. When followed inside, Hodge locked himself in his office and refused to respond to repeated calls for him to come out for an interview.

Beets, on the other hand, appeared giddy and shouted, "This will be the downfall of Hodge. Mark my word, Hodge is going down." When asked what evidence he had that Hodge was guilty of any misconduct, Beets simply said, "The truth will come out."

As of publication time, this reporter has been called to the Big ASS Headquarters in Lehrton, Mississippi, presumably to begin an examination of the documents. Further updates will be made when more information is available.

And the Champ Is . . .

By Jay Unver

I recently sat down with the new Big ASS World Open Water Swimming Champion, Randy Beets. We discussed his victory, his plans, and of course his rivalry with Zane Hodge.

Unver: First of all, let me say congratulations on your victory.

Beets: Thank you very much. It was a long time coming and it feels great.

Unver: Tell me about the swim. How did you feel?

Beets: I felt good from the start. I knew early on it was going to be an above average day for me. The water temp was perfect, and we had a good flow. 

Unver: Were you disappointed that Hodge was not there?

Beets: That @$$. He's such a coward, a wussie, a wimp. If I could get my hands on him I would beat the #&@** da(( $i++ out of his a$$.

Unver: Tell me how you really feel.

Beets: I think he is a low down, worthless piece of crap who tried to taint my victory. If he were here right now I would stomp his little buzzard butt into the ground. You would have to stop it or be a witness in my trail.

Unver: That's pretty much what he said about you last year. He was shocked that you failed to show.

Beets: I was sick. Was he sick this year? No. He withdrew. It's not the same thing. He knew he was in for a whuppin and he just bailed out. It's shameful really what he did. I think Nomann should fine and suspend him, but it will never happen because Hodge is Nomann's little fair-haired boy.

Unver: So you don't believe there was an adequate reason for him not being there? He wanted to mess you up?

Beets: He found out at the Chicot Challenge that I could match him stroke for stroke. He was so stunned after that swim that he couldn't speak for a long time. I blew him out of the water, and he was immediately looking for a way out.

Unver: You forget, I was there. I'm not sure his emotional state was why he spoke so little. I was under the impression that he was too busy eating cookies to talk.

Beets: Dang his cookies. He only gave me like two. He ate a whole durn bucket full by himself. What a hog. What a dog. What slime. What a sorry excuse of a sportsman.

Unver: What about next year?

Beets: He won't show up. He's over as a threat at the Suck. I'll be the champion forever now.

Unver: What about the Chicot Challenge? Will you be involved with that?

Beets: I don't know. In the past, we have been able to put our differences aside and work together on a project that was, is, bigger and more important than either of us. This time, I don't know. The rift has grown pretty wide, and I just don't know if I could hold back an assault. I think I would whip his little butt if we came into contact with each other right now.

Unver: But there is time for you to enjoy your victory and get over Hodge.

Beets: I'm not yet over the 105 pictures he posted on Facebook last year, taunting me before the race. You knew about that? the 105 pictures?

Unver: He said that is the real reason you didn't show up in 2014 for Swim the Suck.

Beets: Dang what he says. I was sick. His stupid pictures had nothing to do with it!

Unver: But you just said that you weren't over it, the pictures he posted mocking you.

Beets: I'm not over being pissed off and thinking he needs an @$$ whuppin'. All of that was uncalled for. He has no restraint. He can't keep things in moderation. He has no sense of when enough is enough. He doesn't know when to stop. Since his momma didn't teach him how to act, I will have to do it for her.

Unver: Let's shift the conversation away from Hodge and back to you. What's next?

Beets: Maybe a trip to Mississippi for some fisticuffs. Maybe the Pensacola Bay Bridge Swim which is another one Hodge always ducked me in.

Unver: He says it just doesn't work in his schedule with the Chicot Challenge so shortly after.

Beets: He always has a excuse. Did you ever notice that, or is he your little fair-haired boy too?

Unver: I'm just a reporter.

Beets: Well report this.

Beets stood up and took a picture of Hodge from his back pocket. With a wicked snarl on his face, he ripped the photograph to pieces, tossed the shreds to the floor, and spit on them. He then wipped is feet on them and stormed out of the room.

Hodge Discusses Annabel Lavers and the 2015 Swim the Suck

By Jay Unver

With world champion Zane Hodge absent from this year's Swim the Suck, the aquatic world is ablaze with chatter, consternation, and speculation as to why Hodge dropped out and who will ascend the throne left vacant by the dominant world champion. The contenders are: Justin Nunnery, who piloted Hodge for the 2014 Suck, Randy Beets, who abandoned Facebook to free himself from the torments of his nemesis, and Wilson Carroll, the newest Fasttrack Fattie and Big ASS Endurance athlete.

I recently contacted Hodge and met with him in his office at the Greenwood Center of Mississippi Delta Community College where I took the opportunity to pick his brains and get his thoughts on Anabel Lavers, Randy Beets, and who he believes would take his crown this year in Chattanooga. 

Me: Good morning, Dr. Hodge. How are you feeling and what are you training for now that the weight of the Suck is off your solid shoulders?

Hodge: I am feeling well. Mostly I have been shuffling, training for the Great Noxapater Journey Run. You know I attempted the run in December of 2013 and failed on the first day. This time there are many more miles on my legs, and I think I have a real shot at success.

Me: So if you are successful, you will set yet another Big ASS world record. Is that the goal?

Hodge: Yes and no. I always get a charge out of establishing world records, but this run is about a lot more than that. I am approaching the GNJR as a reenactment of my great-grandfather's epic journey from Utah when he was twelve years old (see "Reenacting" 9/3/2015).

Me: Speaking of records, Big ASS ruled that you are still the world record holder for the longest swim ever. In fresh water.

Hodge: Yes. I must admit that really did make my day when I received the news. I was happy that Annabel Lavers was successful in her English Channel attempt. She is the first of our organization to do so. But I thought my record was gone and that was a little sad. The ruling that she is the world record holder in salt water, and I remain as the record holder in fresh water takes a lot of pressure off of me. Without that decision, I would have been tempted to go for over twenty-one miles on the next Chicot Challenge to get the record back.

Me: So the plan is still for you to go for twenty next June.

Hodge: Yes, still twenty. I want to leave room to continue upping the distance each year as long as I can.

Me: As long as you can. And how long do you think that will be?

Hodge: I really have no idea. I think most likely I can up it for another three years, maybe four. But that is mere speculation. Swimmers usually age well in respect to their sport. As a runner, my best days have been behind me for a couple of decades already. I'm still climbing as a swimmer, which is one reason I love it so, I think.

Me: And the Suck? What do you think will happen at this year's Suck.

Hodge: First, I think Randy will show up now that I will not be there to humiliate him again.

Me: Will he take the Big ASS title?

Hodge: Probably not. If I were a betting man, I would place my money on Wilson Carroll. I think he will take the gold, and it will be a dog fight for the silver medal between Beets and Nunnery.

Me: Any second thoughts about being there?

Hodge: No, really there are not. Physically and mentally I wasn't feeling it and I'm still not.

Me: Were you burned out from the Chicot Challenge in June?

Hodge: I won't say burned out, but I was definitely burned down. Wisdom told me I needed to take some time off and make sure I recovered so I can continue the Chicot Challenge next June. That swim is about more than me. It's about a message, a lifestyle, and a disease. I don't want it to fall by the wayside because I live in the epicenter of the world-wide diabetes epidemic. Plus I am running pretty well right now, and I want a rematch with the Great Noxapater Journey Run before I get too old.

Me: Speaking of too old, when will that be?

Hodge: Like swimming, I really don't know. My speed is gone, although I am working feverishly to get as much of that back as I can. My endurance still builds well, maybe better than when I was young. But I can tell the difference in a number of ways, speed being one and recovery being another. I want adventure, now, I yearn for it, and I have a need to do this run.

Me: What about next year? Will the Suck return to your calendar?

Hodge: I'm not sure, but maybe not. I am thinking of swimming some new water around here in my home state. If I do another public event, I may choose another one. I love the Suck, but I have done it four times, and I crave some new experiences. That is how I feel about that now. My attitude may change later, but right now I am looking ahead to different things.

Me: Thank you very much, Dr. Hodge. I will do a write up on your journey run when you make it.

Hodge: Thank you. I look forward to it.

Awards Banquet

By Jay Unver

The red carpet was rolled out, the smiles were ubiquitous, and the excitement palpable as athletes and their families flooded into the old opera house in downtown Lehrton this past Friday night for the fourth annual Big ASS Awards Banquet. Inside, tables made of plywood sheets laid on top of well-worn saw horses were decorated with artificial red roses set in plastic vases, producing a scene indescribably lovely.

Zane Hodge, dressed in his best blue suit, arrived with his wife, Penny, and immediately looked around and asked bystanders, “Anyone seen that tall guy?” an obvious reference to his rival, Randy Beets, who had not yet arrived. After posing for photos and signing a few autographs, Hodge and wife went inside and were seated.

Boy Scout Troop 200’s recent crop of Eagles Scouts served as ushers, servers, and drummer for the long anticipated event. Their artwork, child-like water color paintings of swimmers swimming also adorned the top of the plywood sheets which, along with the plastic flowers, created a setting words could never capture.

Once inside, Hodge and wife took their seats at their designated table which was marked, as were all the tables, by 3 X 5 index cards folded in half and names decoratively inscribed by one of the boy scouts with a quality number 2 pencil. Staige Roberts, one of the new Eagle Scouts, served the attendees hors d’oeuvres of mayonnaise and crackers from a decorative plastic serving tray. The organization had spared no expense.

Randy Beets arrived with his mother, Betty Ryan Beets, and father, Ray Beets. They were seated on the opposite side of the festive hall with a whole table of security officers seated in between them and Hodge’s table. Justin Nunnery and wife, Angelique, arrived and were also seated far away from Hodge. Hodge and Beets have come to fisticuffs on more than one occasion, and Hodge and Nunnery fought at the Heart O’ Dixie Triathlon after Nunnery narrowly defeated a disgusted Hodge for the Big ASS World Triathlon Championship.

The Reverend Jim Bob Duggan was called to the podium for the invocation and then Dr. Nomann took the microphone while the boy scouts served the congregants a delicious meal of potted meat stew, poke salad, and corn bread.

“I have a couple of important announcements to make one of which I will save for later,” Nomann said to the eager crowd. “Big ASS Endurance is pleased to proclaim it has taken the Fasttrack Fatties Athletic Club into the fold. The Fatties are now a subsidiary of Big ASS.” The room erupted in applause and Zane Hodge, the founder of Fasttack Fatties, was seen to wipe a tear from his proud eyes.

In case you don’t remember, Big ASS Endurance was formed four years ago when Dr. Nomann negotiated the merger of the Association of Sports Syclists, the Association of Sports Shufflers, and the Association of Sports Swimmers into one large sports group in a maneuver that ESPN called, “The biggest move in sports since Roberto Duran got the runs in New Orleans.”

And for the athletes impacted by the merger, life has been immeasurably better. Big ASS immediately began signing the best athletes in their respective sports to contracts that, while admittedly far from lucrative, have had a positive impact on the lives and the men and women who hitherto had competed solely for the love of sport.

Hodge, for instance, is reported to make a base salary of $35 and three cans of potted meat per year. While that is far from a living wage, the real financial benefits to the athletes come in the way of tax benefits. By having the legal status of professional athletes, many of their training and travel expenses are tax deductible.

Not everyone, however, agrees that Dr. Nomann’s merger has been a good thing. Mike Nerdo, former president of the Association of Sports Syclists says nothing has been the same since the merger. “I lost my job and Zane Hodge, who was the best ASS syclist in the world for three straight years and the face of our organization, now won’t even return my phone calls,” he said bitterly in a recent interview.

When asked about the rift between him and Nerdo, Hodge admitted to giving his former boss the stiff arm. “True, I don’t take his calls anymore. But that’s because every time he rings me up, he wants to borrow money.”

Be that as it may, the merger happened about the time Hodge was transitioning from syclists to open water swimmer, and while he may have been the face of the old Association of Sports Syclists, he has since become the face of Big ASS Endurance with numerous world championships in victory after victory over the tall but determined Randy Beets.

The crowd enjoyably ate their meals and then Nomann took the microphone for his second announcement. “For the past four years, Swim the Suck Ten Miler in Chattanooga, Tennessee has been our world championship race for swimmers who are members of the organization,” Nomann reviewed. “In years past, that has turned out to be a two way race between Hodge and Beets, as you all undoubtable know. This year, however, a third Big ASS athlete is officially registered for the Suck. The 2015 world championship will be a swim off between Hodge, Beets, and Justin Nunnery.”  

The crowd erupted in applause. Nunnery smiled big and waved to the room. Even Beets seemed happy. Hodge, on the other hand, didn’t clap and looked stunned almost beyond belief. Seeing that, I got up from the press table and eased over to Hodge’s table and asked, “Your response?”

“Now I know why he volunteered to pilot me at the last Suck. He was studying me and the course. Now he is coming to take me on. I feel played, hustled. That’s OK. Just another tall guy whose butt I’ll beat,” an obviously agitated Hodge quipped.

Then it was time for the awards. Triathlete World Champion and Triathlete of the Year was Justin Nunnery for his narrow thin victory ove3r Hodge at the Heart O’ Dixie. Rookie Swimmer of the Year was Big ASS newbie Anabel Lavers of London, England, who thanked the organization through Skype. Marathoner of the Year was Hodge for his numerous Buddy Bones victories. And Open Water World Champion and Swimmer of the Year for the fourth straight year was Hodge who defeated Beets in abstentia at the 2014 Suck. Hodge also won Catfish Pond Swimming Champion and Sportsman of the Year. There was a smattering of boos at Hodge being named Sportsman of the Year probably on account of his penchant for fist fighting his chief rivals.

Then Nomann announced the very last award of the night. Ethan Oltrami, recent Eagle Scout, did the drum roll while Nomann proclaimed: “The 2014 Biggest Loser of the Year award goes to [long pause here and really good drum roll] Randy Beets!”

A smattering of applause barely covered Hodge’s snickering, but nothing could cover his smile. “I love theses banquets,” Hodge said and he and his wife left the opera house with armloads of trophies. “Already I looking forward to the next one.”

Civil Disobedience

Civil Disobedience

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, MS) After weeks of mounting tension, civil disobedience erupted in downtown Lehrton this morning in the wake of Randy Beets' no-show at Swim the Suck on October 11th. Disgruntled fans, clamoring for a Hodge/Beets match race, burned tires in the streets, pelted the Big ASS Training Center with rocks, and burned a figure of Beets in effigy. Amid the chaos, some protestors called for Dr. Timothy Nomann’s resignation as president of “The Association” as many fans call it. Others yelled obscenities about Beets. A few even blamed Hodge for poisoning his tall opponent and preventing the long awaited showdown.

Since “The Letdown,” as some have taken to calling it, there has been a flurry of accusations, suspicions, and a host of videos posted to the Facebook page “Vicarious Butt Beets” while tensions have steadily mounted. One video reveals a Caucasian man, face hid behind a piece of paper which has “conspiracy” written on it. Speaking through a voice distorter, the man claims to confess being paid by the Hodge camp to poison Beets the night before the championship race.

A subsequent video shows its subject pull down the paper to reveal an obviously African-American female who claims to be the subject of the previous video. She contends that Betty Ryan Beets gave her money to make the first confession video.

When challenged on the obvious discrepancies in the subjects of the vids who claim to be the same person, a spokesman for the Hodge camp released this statement:

The subject of the first video only appears to be a Caucasian man. She is wearing a wig, and has makeup on her hands in order to appear white. The second video is the truth. As usual, the Beets group has tried to spin the circumstances, make excuses, and release false information. Hodge has repeatedly maintained his innocence. Dr. Nomann’s investigation revealed, “No credible evidence” to show any Hodge culpability. In short, this matter is over.

Only it wasn’t over. Rioters took to the streets and demanded an immediate race between Hodge and Beets. Lehrton’s police were caught flat footed and failed to respond until the fires started. Then, outmanned, they proved ineffective in clearing the streets and restoring order. An estimated 350 citizens, some carrying signs and shouting obscenities, threatened “To shut this city down if we have to wait a year,” for a resolution.

When asked to comment, Hodge simply said, “I will race Randy whenever he is ready. The problem is he moved to North Carolina. I really want to satisfy the fans, but it is not in my power to make this happen. These rioters need to go the Morganton, North Carolina and tear that town apart. Then maybe he will do something. I am not responsible for this civil disobedience. He is.”

Randy Beets could not be reached for comment.

Dave Elmore, legal counsel for Beets, said, "This is all a product of Hodge's cheating."

Decisions

Decisions

by Jay Unver

Promising “swift and decisive action” in the latest Zane Hodge/Randy Beets controversy, Dr. Timothy Nomann, President of Big ASS Endurance, delivered on his vow this morning. At a press conference held in the Big ASS Training Center in downtown Lehrton, Mississippi, Nomann announced his findings and decision following the recent controversial world championship swim at Chattanooga, Tennessee won by Hodge against a no-show Beets.

Beets, through his lawyer Dave Elmore, had accused Hodge of poisoning the tall guy who claimed to be unable to swim because of illness the morning of the event. Hodge had in turn asked the Association to discipline Beets due to “breach of competition.” For the past week, Nomann has investigated the matter by conducting interviews, reviewing security footage from a Chattanooga ice-cream shop, and taking sworn testimony from a sports psychologist and a prominent MD.

In view of the facts uncovered, Nomann precluded the necessity of a trial for either swimmer. He found there was “no credible evidence to support the contention that Hodge poisoned Beets.” Further, he added, “Beets was obviously sick according to the testimony of a leading sports psychologist and a well-respected MD.” Both Drs. Johnny Duggan, the sports psychologist, and Tory Nemo, a local physician, agreed the Randy Beets is suffering from a condition known as “Beetsdown Syndrome.”

Reporters immediately seized upon the Beetsdown Syndrome diagnosis. “Is this a new disease?” one reporter asked.

“Condition,” Dr. Nemo answered. “No, the condition has been observable for decades. What is new is the name. For the first time, this condition has been named. Dr. Duggan and I are co-authoring an article on this that will appear in next month’s Journal of Big ASS Athletics.”

“This name, obviously it comes from Randy Beets,” another reported piped in.

“Yes,” Dr. Duggan responded. “Randy Beets is the quintessential example of a constellation of symptoms that have been observable in athletics for decades.”

“And these are?”

“Tightness in the muscles of the neck, trapezius, and deltoids, nausea, vomiting, Mesenteric adentis, performance anxiety, depression, bed-wetting, chapped hinder parts, hemorrhoids, and general wimpiness,” Dr. Nemo answered.

“You called this a ‘condition.’ Is this a real illness or is it all in Randy’s head?” a reporter in the back yelled out.

“It is psychosomatic in origin, but real in the body. In other words, though it begins with the mind, the stress is so great that the body really becomes sick.”

“So how did Randy get this?” another reporter yelled out.

“Competition with Zane Hodge. Being hag-prone. Having 110 Beetsdown pictures posted on the Facebook page ‘Vicarious Butt Beets.’ Getting his butt kicked at Swim the Suck three years in a row. We think the tipping point came at the 2013 Heart O’ Dixie Triathlon when Hodge defeated Randy Beets’ entire relay team. Then the twenty-five Beetsdown pictures posted on Facebook the day before the swim was overwhelming. Beets just couldn’t endure.”

“Is there hope for Randy Beets, or is he finished as a Big ASS athlete?” I asked knowing the readers of the Lehrton Gazette would want to know this.

“Absolutely not. He is finished,” Dr. Nemo said with conviction.

“This is where Dr. Nemo and I disagree,” Dr. Duggan interrupted. “I think there is some hope. Mississippi State football had the then unnamed Beetsdown Syndrome for decades. Today they are the number one ranked team in college football. They have been cured.”

“Should Zane Hodge feel responsible for Randy’s reduced health? Can and should Big ASS Endurance discipline Hodge for his role in destroying Beets?” a fat reporter with coffee stains on his yellow shirt asked.

“As health care professionals, discipline is beyond our purview,” Nemo responded. “That is for Dr. Nomann to decide. Our responsibility here was simply to examine Beets and diagnose his condition. We have done that. As for how Mr. Hodge feels or should feel, he is here, why not ask him.”

At this point, all eyes in the room shifted to Hodge who sat on the back row with a huge grin on his face.

“Obviously you think this is funny,” the reporter nearest him blurted out.

“No,” Hodge answered. “I don’t. Really I feel very bad for Beets.” But at that precise moment he broke into laughter, and not just any laughter but a deep belly laugh that had him doubled over, holding his midsection, and unable to breath. Red-faced he stomped the floor with his right foot and almost fell out of his chair. “It’s not funny,” he gasped and then laughed so hard he almost passed out.

The room slowly emptied of reporters leaving Hodge alone in his laughter. “It’s not funny,” he kept saying while stomping his foot and laughing and laughing and laughing.