And the Champ Is . . .

By Jay Unver

I recently sat down with the new Big ASS World Open Water Swimming Champion, Randy Beets. We discussed his victory, his plans, and of course his rivalry with Zane Hodge.

Unver: First of all, let me say congratulations on your victory.

Beets: Thank you very much. It was a long time coming and it feels great.

Unver: Tell me about the swim. How did you feel?

Beets: I felt good from the start. I knew early on it was going to be an above average day for me. The water temp was perfect, and we had a good flow. 

Unver: Were you disappointed that Hodge was not there?

Beets: That @$$. He's such a coward, a wussie, a wimp. If I could get my hands on him I would beat the #&@** da(( $i++ out of his a$$.

Unver: Tell me how you really feel.

Beets: I think he is a low down, worthless piece of crap who tried to taint my victory. If he were here right now I would stomp his little buzzard butt into the ground. You would have to stop it or be a witness in my trail.

Unver: That's pretty much what he said about you last year. He was shocked that you failed to show.

Beets: I was sick. Was he sick this year? No. He withdrew. It's not the same thing. He knew he was in for a whuppin and he just bailed out. It's shameful really what he did. I think Nomann should fine and suspend him, but it will never happen because Hodge is Nomann's little fair-haired boy.

Unver: So you don't believe there was an adequate reason for him not being there? He wanted to mess you up?

Beets: He found out at the Chicot Challenge that I could match him stroke for stroke. He was so stunned after that swim that he couldn't speak for a long time. I blew him out of the water, and he was immediately looking for a way out.

Unver: You forget, I was there. I'm not sure his emotional state was why he spoke so little. I was under the impression that he was too busy eating cookies to talk.

Beets: Dang his cookies. He only gave me like two. He ate a whole durn bucket full by himself. What a hog. What a dog. What slime. What a sorry excuse of a sportsman.

Unver: What about next year?

Beets: He won't show up. He's over as a threat at the Suck. I'll be the champion forever now.

Unver: What about the Chicot Challenge? Will you be involved with that?

Beets: I don't know. In the past, we have been able to put our differences aside and work together on a project that was, is, bigger and more important than either of us. This time, I don't know. The rift has grown pretty wide, and I just don't know if I could hold back an assault. I think I would whip his little butt if we came into contact with each other right now.

Unver: But there is time for you to enjoy your victory and get over Hodge.

Beets: I'm not yet over the 105 pictures he posted on Facebook last year, taunting me before the race. You knew about that? the 105 pictures?

Unver: He said that is the real reason you didn't show up in 2014 for Swim the Suck.

Beets: Dang what he says. I was sick. His stupid pictures had nothing to do with it!

Unver: But you just said that you weren't over it, the pictures he posted mocking you.

Beets: I'm not over being pissed off and thinking he needs an @$$ whuppin'. All of that was uncalled for. He has no restraint. He can't keep things in moderation. He has no sense of when enough is enough. He doesn't know when to stop. Since his momma didn't teach him how to act, I will have to do it for her.

Unver: Let's shift the conversation away from Hodge and back to you. What's next?

Beets: Maybe a trip to Mississippi for some fisticuffs. Maybe the Pensacola Bay Bridge Swim which is another one Hodge always ducked me in.

Unver: He says it just doesn't work in his schedule with the Chicot Challenge so shortly after.

Beets: He always has a excuse. Did you ever notice that, or is he your little fair-haired boy too?

Unver: I'm just a reporter.

Beets: Well report this.

Beets stood up and took a picture of Hodge from his back pocket. With a wicked snarl on his face, he ripped the photograph to pieces, tossed the shreds to the floor, and spit on them. He then wipped is feet on them and stormed out of the room.

Awards Banquet

By Jay Unver

The red carpet was rolled out, the smiles were ubiquitous, and the excitement palpable as athletes and their families flooded into the old opera house in downtown Lehrton this past Friday night for the fourth annual Big ASS Awards Banquet. Inside, tables made of plywood sheets laid on top of well-worn saw horses were decorated with artificial red roses set in plastic vases, producing a scene indescribably lovely.

Zane Hodge, dressed in his best blue suit, arrived with his wife, Penny, and immediately looked around and asked bystanders, “Anyone seen that tall guy?” an obvious reference to his rival, Randy Beets, who had not yet arrived. After posing for photos and signing a few autographs, Hodge and wife went inside and were seated.

Boy Scout Troop 200’s recent crop of Eagles Scouts served as ushers, servers, and drummer for the long anticipated event. Their artwork, child-like water color paintings of swimmers swimming also adorned the top of the plywood sheets which, along with the plastic flowers, created a setting words could never capture.

Once inside, Hodge and wife took their seats at their designated table which was marked, as were all the tables, by 3 X 5 index cards folded in half and names decoratively inscribed by one of the boy scouts with a quality number 2 pencil. Staige Roberts, one of the new Eagle Scouts, served the attendees hors d’oeuvres of mayonnaise and crackers from a decorative plastic serving tray. The organization had spared no expense.

Randy Beets arrived with his mother, Betty Ryan Beets, and father, Ray Beets. They were seated on the opposite side of the festive hall with a whole table of security officers seated in between them and Hodge’s table. Justin Nunnery and wife, Angelique, arrived and were also seated far away from Hodge. Hodge and Beets have come to fisticuffs on more than one occasion, and Hodge and Nunnery fought at the Heart O’ Dixie Triathlon after Nunnery narrowly defeated a disgusted Hodge for the Big ASS World Triathlon Championship.

The Reverend Jim Bob Duggan was called to the podium for the invocation and then Dr. Nomann took the microphone while the boy scouts served the congregants a delicious meal of potted meat stew, poke salad, and corn bread.

“I have a couple of important announcements to make one of which I will save for later,” Nomann said to the eager crowd. “Big ASS Endurance is pleased to proclaim it has taken the Fasttrack Fatties Athletic Club into the fold. The Fatties are now a subsidiary of Big ASS.” The room erupted in applause and Zane Hodge, the founder of Fasttack Fatties, was seen to wipe a tear from his proud eyes.

In case you don’t remember, Big ASS Endurance was formed four years ago when Dr. Nomann negotiated the merger of the Association of Sports Syclists, the Association of Sports Shufflers, and the Association of Sports Swimmers into one large sports group in a maneuver that ESPN called, “The biggest move in sports since Roberto Duran got the runs in New Orleans.”

And for the athletes impacted by the merger, life has been immeasurably better. Big ASS immediately began signing the best athletes in their respective sports to contracts that, while admittedly far from lucrative, have had a positive impact on the lives and the men and women who hitherto had competed solely for the love of sport.

Hodge, for instance, is reported to make a base salary of $35 and three cans of potted meat per year. While that is far from a living wage, the real financial benefits to the athletes come in the way of tax benefits. By having the legal status of professional athletes, many of their training and travel expenses are tax deductible.

Not everyone, however, agrees that Dr. Nomann’s merger has been a good thing. Mike Nerdo, former president of the Association of Sports Syclists says nothing has been the same since the merger. “I lost my job and Zane Hodge, who was the best ASS syclist in the world for three straight years and the face of our organization, now won’t even return my phone calls,” he said bitterly in a recent interview.

When asked about the rift between him and Nerdo, Hodge admitted to giving his former boss the stiff arm. “True, I don’t take his calls anymore. But that’s because every time he rings me up, he wants to borrow money.”

Be that as it may, the merger happened about the time Hodge was transitioning from syclists to open water swimmer, and while he may have been the face of the old Association of Sports Syclists, he has since become the face of Big ASS Endurance with numerous world championships in victory after victory over the tall but determined Randy Beets.

The crowd enjoyably ate their meals and then Nomann took the microphone for his second announcement. “For the past four years, Swim the Suck Ten Miler in Chattanooga, Tennessee has been our world championship race for swimmers who are members of the organization,” Nomann reviewed. “In years past, that has turned out to be a two way race between Hodge and Beets, as you all undoubtable know. This year, however, a third Big ASS athlete is officially registered for the Suck. The 2015 world championship will be a swim off between Hodge, Beets, and Justin Nunnery.”  

The crowd erupted in applause. Nunnery smiled big and waved to the room. Even Beets seemed happy. Hodge, on the other hand, didn’t clap and looked stunned almost beyond belief. Seeing that, I got up from the press table and eased over to Hodge’s table and asked, “Your response?”

“Now I know why he volunteered to pilot me at the last Suck. He was studying me and the course. Now he is coming to take me on. I feel played, hustled. That’s OK. Just another tall guy whose butt I’ll beat,” an obviously agitated Hodge quipped.

Then it was time for the awards. Triathlete World Champion and Triathlete of the Year was Justin Nunnery for his narrow thin victory ove3r Hodge at the Heart O’ Dixie. Rookie Swimmer of the Year was Big ASS newbie Anabel Lavers of London, England, who thanked the organization through Skype. Marathoner of the Year was Hodge for his numerous Buddy Bones victories. And Open Water World Champion and Swimmer of the Year for the fourth straight year was Hodge who defeated Beets in abstentia at the 2014 Suck. Hodge also won Catfish Pond Swimming Champion and Sportsman of the Year. There was a smattering of boos at Hodge being named Sportsman of the Year probably on account of his penchant for fist fighting his chief rivals.

Then Nomann announced the very last award of the night. Ethan Oltrami, recent Eagle Scout, did the drum roll while Nomann proclaimed: “The 2014 Biggest Loser of the Year award goes to [long pause here and really good drum roll] Randy Beets!”

A smattering of applause barely covered Hodge’s snickering, but nothing could cover his smile. “I love theses banquets,” Hodge said and he and his wife left the opera house with armloads of trophies. “Already I looking forward to the next one.”

Civil Disobedience

Civil Disobedience

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, MS) After weeks of mounting tension, civil disobedience erupted in downtown Lehrton this morning in the wake of Randy Beets' no-show at Swim the Suck on October 11th. Disgruntled fans, clamoring for a Hodge/Beets match race, burned tires in the streets, pelted the Big ASS Training Center with rocks, and burned a figure of Beets in effigy. Amid the chaos, some protestors called for Dr. Timothy Nomann’s resignation as president of “The Association” as many fans call it. Others yelled obscenities about Beets. A few even blamed Hodge for poisoning his tall opponent and preventing the long awaited showdown.

Since “The Letdown,” as some have taken to calling it, there has been a flurry of accusations, suspicions, and a host of videos posted to the Facebook page “Vicarious Butt Beets” while tensions have steadily mounted. One video reveals a Caucasian man, face hid behind a piece of paper which has “conspiracy” written on it. Speaking through a voice distorter, the man claims to confess being paid by the Hodge camp to poison Beets the night before the championship race.

A subsequent video shows its subject pull down the paper to reveal an obviously African-American female who claims to be the subject of the previous video. She contends that Betty Ryan Beets gave her money to make the first confession video.

When challenged on the obvious discrepancies in the subjects of the vids who claim to be the same person, a spokesman for the Hodge camp released this statement:

The subject of the first video only appears to be a Caucasian man. She is wearing a wig, and has makeup on her hands in order to appear white. The second video is the truth. As usual, the Beets group has tried to spin the circumstances, make excuses, and release false information. Hodge has repeatedly maintained his innocence. Dr. Nomann’s investigation revealed, “No credible evidence” to show any Hodge culpability. In short, this matter is over.

Only it wasn’t over. Rioters took to the streets and demanded an immediate race between Hodge and Beets. Lehrton’s police were caught flat footed and failed to respond until the fires started. Then, outmanned, they proved ineffective in clearing the streets and restoring order. An estimated 350 citizens, some carrying signs and shouting obscenities, threatened “To shut this city down if we have to wait a year,” for a resolution.

When asked to comment, Hodge simply said, “I will race Randy whenever he is ready. The problem is he moved to North Carolina. I really want to satisfy the fans, but it is not in my power to make this happen. These rioters need to go the Morganton, North Carolina and tear that town apart. Then maybe he will do something. I am not responsible for this civil disobedience. He is.”

Randy Beets could not be reached for comment.

Dave Elmore, legal counsel for Beets, said, "This is all a product of Hodge's cheating."

New Study

I just read an interesting scientific study that said people who sleep in on Friday morning, drink lots of coffee and hang out with cats and a weenie dog before going out on an adventure run are more likely to, 1) beat Randy Beets' butt whenever they compete, 2) irritate Randy Beets' mom, and 3) drive Randy Beets into Beetsdown Syndrome. Who knew?

Today's adventure run involves a bunch of Carroll County hills but no mystery roads. One hill is the upgrade I marked with paint a couple of months back. I painted a number every 100 meters from the bottom to the pinnacle. I run this one periodically. Usually, however, I turn off onto a gravel road at the crest of the long incline. My mind has been going up that same paved road, which if one were to continue past the gravel road, then begins a long, long descend to another creek bottom before beginning another climb to Mount Olive Baptist Church. 

After cresting the Mount Olive hill, I plan to turn around and run back to the gravel road where I will exit off the pavement and become more involved with nature. This trek will give me lots of long inclines and declines both of which put lots of unique stresses on the legs. I have the scientific study to fuel my imagination and fire my synapses as I shuffle for miles and miles and miles. I think Randy Beets will be at work. I may be just a teacher and make just a teacher's pay, but I have time to go out and play.

The week has been a good one thus far. My swimming has almost dropped by the wayside, though I did get in the pool Tuesday without a wetsuit. I didn’t take a reading, but I estimate the temp was 68. My swimming slowdown is OK because my athletic years have a structure to them and part of the plan is a rise and fall of water distance. The current focus is to work on strength and running.

On the cat front, Luvie has been extremely affectionate since I came back from Tennessee. I like that. Whenever I recline on the bed, he hops up and gets close. After he does, it is extremely difficult for me to disturb him, and sometimes he holds me hostage for hours. Life is tough.

On the dog front, Lucky has been doing well considering all that is wrong with her. She has cancer and at one point it looked like she might not survive the week. Dr. Andy has her on some steroids, vitamins, and anti-inflammatories. She has bounced back a bit, but her age and disease has left her a shell of what she once was. John has been coming over twice a week and working out with me in the backyard gym. She loves him because he pets her and talks to her and makes her feel special.

Monday I lifted with John and then did a ten-mile run after work. Tuesday I was in the cool pool water for 2,500 meters straight. I also ran 4.25 miles after drying off and changing clothes. Wednesday I once more lifted with John and ran after night class. This week my night run was 5.33 miles and included some multi-pacing. Thursday it was a short run on turn rows north of town.

I spent a good bit of the week trying to come up with a Friday adventure run. I had several ideas, but I was searching for one that made me nervous, excited, that kept me awake at night. I didn't find that one. What my mind kept coming back to, however, was those hills over on the highway. I have never run all of them. Today is the day. Now my coffee cup is almost empty. If I could just get this cat to wake up.

Decisions

Decisions

by Jay Unver

Promising “swift and decisive action” in the latest Zane Hodge/Randy Beets controversy, Dr. Timothy Nomann, President of Big ASS Endurance, delivered on his vow this morning. At a press conference held in the Big ASS Training Center in downtown Lehrton, Mississippi, Nomann announced his findings and decision following the recent controversial world championship swim at Chattanooga, Tennessee won by Hodge against a no-show Beets.

Beets, through his lawyer Dave Elmore, had accused Hodge of poisoning the tall guy who claimed to be unable to swim because of illness the morning of the event. Hodge had in turn asked the Association to discipline Beets due to “breach of competition.” For the past week, Nomann has investigated the matter by conducting interviews, reviewing security footage from a Chattanooga ice-cream shop, and taking sworn testimony from a sports psychologist and a prominent MD.

In view of the facts uncovered, Nomann precluded the necessity of a trial for either swimmer. He found there was “no credible evidence to support the contention that Hodge poisoned Beets.” Further, he added, “Beets was obviously sick according to the testimony of a leading sports psychologist and a well-respected MD.” Both Drs. Johnny Duggan, the sports psychologist, and Tory Nemo, a local physician, agreed the Randy Beets is suffering from a condition known as “Beetsdown Syndrome.”

Reporters immediately seized upon the Beetsdown Syndrome diagnosis. “Is this a new disease?” one reporter asked.

“Condition,” Dr. Nemo answered. “No, the condition has been observable for decades. What is new is the name. For the first time, this condition has been named. Dr. Duggan and I are co-authoring an article on this that will appear in next month’s Journal of Big ASS Athletics.”

“This name, obviously it comes from Randy Beets,” another reported piped in.

“Yes,” Dr. Duggan responded. “Randy Beets is the quintessential example of a constellation of symptoms that have been observable in athletics for decades.”

“And these are?”

“Tightness in the muscles of the neck, trapezius, and deltoids, nausea, vomiting, Mesenteric adentis, performance anxiety, depression, bed-wetting, chapped hinder parts, hemorrhoids, and general wimpiness,” Dr. Nemo answered.

“You called this a ‘condition.’ Is this a real illness or is it all in Randy’s head?” a reporter in the back yelled out.

“It is psychosomatic in origin, but real in the body. In other words, though it begins with the mind, the stress is so great that the body really becomes sick.”

“So how did Randy get this?” another reporter yelled out.

“Competition with Zane Hodge. Being hag-prone. Having 110 Beetsdown pictures posted on the Facebook page ‘Vicarious Butt Beets.’ Getting his butt kicked at Swim the Suck three years in a row. We think the tipping point came at the 2013 Heart O’ Dixie Triathlon when Hodge defeated Randy Beets’ entire relay team. Then the twenty-five Beetsdown pictures posted on Facebook the day before the swim was overwhelming. Beets just couldn’t endure.”

“Is there hope for Randy Beets, or is he finished as a Big ASS athlete?” I asked knowing the readers of the Lehrton Gazette would want to know this.

“Absolutely not. He is finished,” Dr. Nemo said with conviction.

“This is where Dr. Nemo and I disagree,” Dr. Duggan interrupted. “I think there is some hope. Mississippi State football had the then unnamed Beetsdown Syndrome for decades. Today they are the number one ranked team in college football. They have been cured.”

“Should Zane Hodge feel responsible for Randy’s reduced health? Can and should Big ASS Endurance discipline Hodge for his role in destroying Beets?” a fat reporter with coffee stains on his yellow shirt asked.

“As health care professionals, discipline is beyond our purview,” Nemo responded. “That is for Dr. Nomann to decide. Our responsibility here was simply to examine Beets and diagnose his condition. We have done that. As for how Mr. Hodge feels or should feel, he is here, why not ask him.”

At this point, all eyes in the room shifted to Hodge who sat on the back row with a huge grin on his face.

“Obviously you think this is funny,” the reporter nearest him blurted out.

“No,” Hodge answered. “I don’t. Really I feel very bad for Beets.” But at that precise moment he broke into laughter, and not just any laughter but a deep belly laugh that had him doubled over, holding his midsection, and unable to breath. Red-faced he stomped the floor with his right foot and almost fell out of his chair. “It’s not funny,” he gasped and then laughed so hard he almost passed out.

The room slowly emptied of reporters leaving Hodge alone in his laughter. “It’s not funny,” he kept saying while stomping his foot and laughing and laughing and laughing.

Controversy Swirls

Controversy Swirls amid Beetsdown

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) Accusations flew like bats from an Arizona cave in the aftermath of what many are calling the most bizarre Swim the Suck in history. Some say Zane Hodge cheated; some say Randy Beets “No mas[ed]” in the worst way. Whatever happened, Big ASS Endurance and Dave Elmore, legal counsel for Randy Beets, vow to find “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”

“I’m trembling in fear,” a testy Hodge spouted Monday morning as a reporter for the Lehrton Gazette asked him to comment on the controversy. He said nothing else as he walked rapidly into the Greenwood Center of Mississippi Delta Community College where he works. Campus police stopped a bevy of reporters, which included me, from tracking him inside to ask more questions.

This morning also, Dr. Timothy Nomann held a press conference at the Big ASS Training Center in downtown Lehrton, MS and vowed to launch “a full scale investigation. We will,” he added, “leave no piece of pizza unturned.” Some said the pizza reference was an allusion to Beets’ unconventional race feeding habits. Nomann went on the vow to “punish any wrongdoing to the fullest extent of the Association’s power.”

The long awaited rematch between the Association of Sports Swimmers’ two superstars, Zane Hodge and Randy Beets, ended Saturday, October 11^th in Chattanooga, Tennessee in a way that left everyone unhappy and some scratching their heads.


A stunned Hodge before the start and
after getting the news of no Beets.

“Bizarre,” was all Justine Nunnery, an ASS Swimmer himself and pilot for Hodge during the world championship swim, would say.

This year’s Suck featured a hundred swimmers, including several national champions, one Olympian, and the extremely talented and attractive Lexie Kelly. But it was the Hodge/Beets rivalry that had the Friday night pre-race banquet buzzing with excitement.

Beets and his pilot Robin Bond arrived first at Chattanooga Outdoors in downtown Chattanooga and when Hodge and Nunnery appeared, a palpable tension filled the already bustling room. The two glowered at one another throughout the program and supper. The presentation from Race Director Karah Nazor, featured Hodge’s and Beets’ profile pictures, their athletic resumes, and a word about the rivalry.

Friday night was stormy and race morning arrived with rain and a threat that the swim might be cancelled. However, after the athletes were bused to the start at Suck Creek Boat Ramp, the skies cleared, the sun came out, and a festive mood struck the athletes and their pilots.

Hodge prepared for battle by taping his nose, spitting down his goggles, and adjusting his jammer while keeping one eye out for Beets.

“Where is he?” I overheard him asking Nunnery.

“I haven’t seen him,” Justin answered.

A few minutes later, Justin texted the rival only to receive word that the tall guy would be a no show.

“Are you %@#*ing kidding me?!” Hodge screamed when given the news. “He can’t do that to me! That @!$# @$$ &!^@ !**@($*$!!!”

A furious red-faced Hodge waded into the water to cool off.

“You can’t blame him if he’s sick,” I heard Nunnery say to Hodge.

“YReally? You think he’s sick?” Hodge yelled back. “He’s sick of getting beat.”

Hodge’s wrath was unspent four hours and twenty minutes later when he climbed out of the river at Living Waters. “That #@$%^ *!#@ ^&$# Beets!! I hope he gets suspended for live!”

Race Director, Karah Nazor, approached Hodge at the finish.

“Where is Randy?” she asked.

“I don’t *@#$ing know. But if you find him, tell me because I want to whip his @$$!”

Upon returning to Mississippi, Hodge immediately filed formal charges with Big ASS Endurance against Beets for “breach of competition.” Elmore, on behalf of Beets, filed counter charges of cheating and tampering, claiming Hodge “Poisoned Beets the night before.”

At stake for the two swimmers are a world title for Hodge and another possible suspension for the embattled Beets.

Short Report

I plan a more full write up about my experience at the 2014 Swim the Suck. For now I will only give a summary treatment of the week and the race. For the week, I

biked 5 miles
swam 27,625 meters,
and ran 21.08 miles.


With Lexie Kelly, the women's winner,
just before the start at the
Suck Creek Boat Ramp.

The Suck was great, and every year it is bigger and better. Karah Nazor, the Race Director, has become a star in the sport, and gaining a spot in her race has become a coveted goal of open water swimmers everywhere. As usual, I met some cool people, saw some gorgeous country, and had a wild swim in a cold river turning in my best time by 19 minutes. Wow. All that training paid off. At fifty-eight years of age, I set yet another athletic personal best. Justin Nunnery did a extraordinary job as my pilot, and he even managed to push me over the final few miles.

I had epic battles with swimmers I didn't know. The one battle I wanted, I sought, I prepared for, however, didn't materialize because Randy Beets was a no show, and I still don't know the whole story on that. I even wondered how I could or would swim when I found out only minutes before the start that Randy wasn't coming. My uncertainties, however, disappeared early in the race when a young woman swam up and challenged me. She came up on my left and seemed very determined to pass. I resisted. Maybe she could see the gray beard and that drove her. I don't know, but the water was clear enough that I could look at her underwater, and I noticed she was kicking very hard, like sprinting fast in the pool. Who does that?

Eventually she did pull ahead when I had to slow down due to pee problems. I had never had trouble peeing on a long swim. I do have to slow down and relax, but for some reason my bladder began to fill to the point of pain, and I just couldn't get it out. Finally, I stopped completely and treaded water. When that didn't work, I rolled over on my back and then I started having some success. After that I peed another five times during the swim but never had an issue and was able to do the deed while continuing my stroke.

I fed only on ice-cream, and I fed fast. Afterward, I asked Justin if anyone fed as quickly as me. I think he would tell me if someone did. He said no one was as fast. He even related to me that he delayed one feeding by three minutes so I wouldn't be stopping when everyone else was. Most swimmers feed every thirty minutes. For this race, I went forty-five because I thought that was sufficient and on that schedule I would reduce one feed for every two I took. The idea was to beat Randy Beets, and I was looking for any edge I could get.

Randy weeping in fear the night before
our scheduled battle. It was all
too much for him.

Late in the race I was swum down and challeged by some guy who looked me in the eye every time he breathed to the right and I to the left. Another swimmer caught us both and for a while the three of us duked it out. One would pull ahead and I would push and pull even. This happened over and over and over. Justin was on my right, one of the other swimmer's pilot was on our left and another pilot was behind us. We battled for maybe a mile. I remember thinking, "This guy won't give up." I almost capitulated. Why suffer like this? I thought. Then I noticed Justin watching with interest when I breathed his direction. I pushed a little harder breathing on every stroke and even kicking a little. I began to pull away from the other guys, first a half body length, then a full body length. Encouraged, I swam harder than I thought I could without totally blowing up. Eventually they weren't in my sight anymore.

That's when Justin started challening me. "I need you to pick it up, Zane."

"What?" I thought incredulously. I had just emptied the tank.

But I gave it the old college try only to be stopped and told, "There are four swimmers up there. Catch them. Pass them."

At the Suck, you can see the finish for about a mile and a half. The four swimmers were about two hundred meters away between me and the finish. "Are you crazy?" was what I thought but didn't say. I pushed the best I could, and this was the part that wasn't fun anymore. I wanted it to be over. That big red buoy that marked the finish was only a little red dot forever and a day it seemed. I did catch one of the swimmers about a half mile from the end and then had to fight him all the way in. I got him by a second or two. The other three got away. At that point I didn't care.

I swear, endurance events make me temporarily stupid. When I climbed out, I kept looking at my watch trying to figure what my time was. I went through all the screens and couldn't understand why I couldn't find my time. Later, I suppose when some blood made it back to my brain, I saw the time in the big numbers I love my Garmin 910XT for. There the time was big as day  where it had been all along, but I hadn't recognized it. Four hours and twenty minutes, nineteen better than my best set last year. Nice.

Justin and I didn't hang around too long but headed to town to find a television. We found a Buffalo Wild Wings where we were able to munch on chicken and watch Mississippi State put a Beetsdown on Auburn. With a double Beetsdown day, we were both happy and slept well before rising the next morning to make our journey back to the flat land of Mississippi.

The Penultimate Week

OK, last week I fell prey to the lies coming out of the Beets camp and let up on my training. On my swimming anyway. Running wise I had my best week of the year this last one before the big race. Beets has been cryng like a little girl about how he has an infection how his neck hurts how his shoulder locked up. I got lazy a few times and didn't swim at all. Then I thouught, "I've been played." You can't trust anyone who is over seven feet tall. That's a fact.

For some reason I don't remember, Monday I only swan 1,900. I did, however, take a 9.51 run after work and in the dark. I am still loving the darkness. I remember from years past that I always tire of it late in the winter and rejoice in the lengthening of the days. Now I am rejoicing in the lengthening of the nights.

Tuesday I took a four mile run and then went to Lake Ferguson to do a practice swim with Justin Nunnery who is replacing my son, Forrest, as my pilot for the Suck. I hate Forrest can't make the trip because for the past three years this has been a father/son thing. But Justin is a good guy and it will be nice to hang out with him. The water was warm and Justin borrowed a kayak on the lake. We only did 1.04 miles, just far enough for us to get the feel of how to work together. I think it will be OK. He knows what the goal is: Beat Randy Beets! I hope he has my back because I know Robin Bond has Randy's.

I can't remember why but my training diary says I didn't swim at all Wednesday, but I did run 4.06 miles. Thursday I swan 4,500 then got lazy and did not run after the swim. Friday I just wanted to run a road I hadn't seen in a while (See "Boys Just Want to Have Fun") so I skipped swimming altogether. I explored a Carroll County road on foot and ran 11.11 miles in addition to some walking.

Saturday was the big day with some HUGE SEC matchups in Mississippi. At half time of the State/A&M game I went out for a 3.57 mile run. Surprisingly, I had some pep in my legs and did a little over a half at my goal 10K pace for the next year's Oaks.

Normally I don't do anything on Sundays but go to church, take naps, and grade papers. However, I was feeling so bloated from way too much forced eating that I went out for a 5.36 mile shuffle in an effort to burn some calories off.

For the week,

walked 4.1 miles
rode my bike 5.0 miles
swam only 8,074 meters, and
ran 37.64 miles.

That is way too little swimming even though it is time to start backing off. The race is October 11th. It's gunna be a Beetsdown! Then I want to start training for a mrathon run and maybe an ultra.

Home Stretch

We are in the home stretch of Swim the Suck training, and I'm starting to get nervous determined. Randy posted that chart again that shows the trajectory of our past swim times extrapolated onto this year's race. The chart has me finishing way behind the tall guy and that rattles angers me. So back to the pool.

Last week was a light one, swim wise, but it's OK even desirable to have a drop down cycle periodically. The week started, Monday, with Twin Rivers being closed for Labor Day. I did some yard work, lifted weights for the first time in two weeks, and ran 4.21 easy miles. Tuesday was only a little better for swimming. I ran 4.06 miles but John and I were run out of the pool by lightning after I only had 1,900 meters.

Wednesday I was finally able to put it into high gear. John and I got into the  pool at 1:45. I warmed up with 2,300 straight and then did my Beetsdown set which in this form was 28 X 100 @ 1:57, the first eight @ 1:56. A 200 meter cool down finished me off and left me with 5,300 for the day.

Thursday was another big day at the pool. I swam

3,000
2,100 countdown set
20 X 50 @ 1:30
400
total: 6,500.

Friday I ran 8.51 miles and then met John at Twin Rivers. I was done from the run and the previous two days of swimming. I did a sloppy 2,200 before we packed it in.

Saturday was anothe nonswimming day. I went to Jackson with John to help him pick up a car. When I got back, I watched SEC football, then went outside and worked in the yard and lifted weights. I also took a short 2.31 mile shuffle.

For the week, I

rode my bike to work four times,
ran 23.19 miles,
swam 15,900 meters,
walked 5.85 miles, and
lifted weights two times.

Overall it was not a bad week, but I need to pound big yardage for the next few training cycles. I am doing more quality work than a year ago, but I need some long swims. They will come. The life guards are off for the year at Twin Rivers, so John and I no longer have to get out at 4:00 pm. Now we can swim as long as we want on Tuesday and Thursday.

Another Week of Beetsdown Training

To my UK and Australian readers, pardon my past indiscretions. They were the result of ignorance. Really, I am not that crude. In America that word simply means "hitting the wall." Having now been more perfectly informed, however, I vow to think better, do better, write better. Not only that, but in my quest once more to defeat Randy Beets, I even vow to train better.

I know Randy has been ill and, consequently, he has sought to lower expectations. However, we are not world-class pool swimmers where things like starts, flip turns, reaches for the wall make the difference between victory and eight place. Furthermore, our races are not decided by hundreths of a second that are won by years of training. In short, Randy is a young man who has been improving at leaps and bounds. If he trains smart, not just hard, he can still be in very good, if not top form by early October. I, therefore, am not coasting to a presumed victory. I am training diligently for what I think will be an epic struggle.

For each of the last three years, the margin of victory between us has closed. When we both did this event our first time in 2011, I smashed Mr. Beats by nearly an hour. In 2012, the gap had closed to around twenty minutes. Last year, Randy took the lead and held it for four miles before I caught him. We then swam side by side for approximately a half mile, fighting each other like a couple of well-trained pit bulldogs. It was grand fun. When I finished and climbed out of the water, Randy Beets was only minutes behind. Yes, I am feeling some pressure, and yes, I am hoping for a full recovery and good training for my rival and nemesis.

Monday, I went to the pool. I had Randy Beets in mind the whole time I swam up and down the lane. My buddy, John Misterfeld, and I met up at Twin Rivers and started our workout about 2:00 o'clock. I warmed up with 2,200 meters straight and then drank some Gatorade, set my watches, and got my mind right for my Beetsdown set. I started with the set of 100 meter repeats at 1:56 for the first seven and then they slowed to 1:57. This set makes me swim at my CSS (critical swim speed, which is about 1:40-1:45 per hundred.) I find that pace a bit difficult. But after having done this set, in various forms, for several weeks now, it is getting easier, much easier. Not only that, but my endurance at that speed is growing by leaps and bounds like Randy Beets' ego.

During class Monday night, I walked outside and it was still so hot is felt like the air hugged me. It was sort of like jumping into a pool of hot water. I felt it everywhere, not just my face: my arms, back, legs, all of me was wrapped up in heat. I like that. Really I do. I was born in June back in the day when most people, my folks included, didn't have air conditioners. I enjoy the heat and have missed it this year. We have had the coolest summer on record, but it has turned hot just in time, I hope, to get the water in Chattanooga up where it needs to be.

After class, it had cooled off a bit and I felt like taking a run. I went out with no plan having abandoned the idea of my vVo2 workout because of the darkness. I could do it, but I can't see my watch as clearly as I like so I just ran. This was my first time running in the dark since last winter, and I enjoyed it. There is something about the quietness, the low traffic, and the anonymity of the dark that makes running at night a different animal. I had forgotten how much I like it. Also, for the first time in a long while, I felt really good, like I could run forever. My pace, although still embarrassingly slow, was better than it has been without doing intervals, since my stress fracture. Finally I felt like I am coming back.

All in all, it was a really good food day. My weight on Monday morning was a surprising and disappointing 167.2. Huh?!?!? I did the 5,500 in the pool then had a protein shake and a peach. After class, I ran 4.13 miles and had another protein shake and half an apple. Weight Tuesday morning? 165.2. Huh?!?!?! Better but I am getting a little discouraged by the length of time it is taking to shed  this extra adipose tissue. I can't throw in the towel, however, because I know where that leads. I suppose at my age that weight will forever be a battle for me now until I die.

Tuesday, I rode my mountain bike to work and then met John at the pool in the early afternoon. I just started swimming and stopped my warmup after 3,200 meters. I drank some water and then went into my countdown set only this time I expanded it to 1,800 meters with small paddles. Now, the 25s don't feel hard at all and they aren't long enough to get my respiration going strong. The 50s did make me breathe a bit, however. One of the changes I made this time was to take the sprints all the way up to 125. That had me sucking air like a turbo-charged diesel engine. I swam it with small paddles, and when I finished it was time to get out and I had 5,000 meters done.

Wednesday, I rode my bike to work twice and John and I met up at the pool early, a bit after 1:00, and I swam

3,300
8 X 100 @ 1:55 (Ouch!)
5 X 400 @ 8:15 with small paddles
total: 6,100 meters.

After work I ran 4.04 miles. My late Monday run interfered with my sleep. After teaching in the morning, swimming in the afternoon, teaching a night class, and running after 9:00 pm, I slept very well, thank you.

Thursday, John and I were back at it. I started with another long warmup:

2,400
2,000 countdown
12 X 50 @ 1:30
total: 5,000 meters.

Friday morning I went out for a long (always a relative term) but multi-paced run. I did an out-and-back 8.35 miler on Money Road. While out there, I received a $100 donation for the Diabetes Foundation of Mississippi. That was unexpected and it gave me a real boost. Later I met John at the  pool and I was so tired from the run and the accumulated fatigue of the week that I really couldn't train properly. I barely swam a warmup 1,000 and then stood at the end of my lane and wondered how I could last until 3:00 pm (John's goal). I set my watch for a 20 X 100 set @ 2:30. Remember, I have been swimming these at 1:57 and this week even down to 1:55. I was barely making the wall in 2:00 and felt so bad that about half the time I would stop the watch to catch some more rest. Eventually I finished the set, did 2 X 50, and crawled out. Sometimes your body simply says, "Enough." Mine didn't say it, it screamed it.

Saturday was cool and rainy but with no lightning in sight, a rarity in Mississippi. I lounged long in the morning and spent some time with my wife. She had a chore to do with her siblings in the afternoon, so I headed out for the pond alone. I am always alone at the pond now, and although I do miss my training with Randy Beets, I cherish the solitude I get on the fish farm. I think all endurance athletes like "me time" and the company of their own thoughts. I do have some company there. Birds of dozens of species always paint the landscape with their colors, their sounds, their movement.

With my pool crash only a day old, I had no expectations and decided to just swim and let my body dictate how far and how fast. The water was cool with no hot spots and I felt good as I just settled into an easy rhythm. I did three swims for 3.72 miles, my longest open water effort since the Chicot Challenge. Since I love swimming in the rain, this was one of my most enjoyable and memorable swims. The rain just kept coming down. The sky was dark but not dangerous-looking and the water, though cool, was warmer than the chilly air making climbing back in after a nutrition break a joy rather than a chore.

For the week, I

swam 30,685 meters,
ran 20.62 miles,
lifted weights one time, and
rode my bike to work four times.

That, my friend, is Beetsdown training.

Beetsdown Sets

Monday was a long day at work since it was the first day of classes and we were still registering students. I had to go to the pool after my night class to get a swim in. It would have been easy to let it go, but I have a tall guy to beat in Tennessee this October and the date is rushing towards us with the speed of a calendar. I also got a vVo2 max run in during the afternoon, but by the time I was free for the pool, the kids were out of school and lap swimming and kids in the pool mix about as well as motor oil and scrambled eggs. There is plenty of room for me and a dozen or more kids in that big pool, but it doesn't work. I will not get in if there are six kids or the threat of six kids in the water. Enough said.

When I did get to the pool, it was dark and the mosquitoes were out in force, so I didn't even try to do sets but just swam. I did 4,700 straight. That kind of swimming has its place, but I was worried I might not be able to pull off my Beetsdown set Tuesday because last week when I tried to do it the second time, I failed after only three reps. I have to be fresh to pull that one off. Last training cycle, I successfully navigated the set on Monday when I managed 24 X 100 @ 1:57 with the first five reps @ 1:56. After that, I edited the workout in my watch so that next time the first six reps will be @ 1:56.

Tuesday, John and I got in the pool about 7:00 pm. After a 2,000 meter warmup, I launched into full Beetsdown mode. I did it and stayed at it until I had completed 26 100s. Dude, there is no doubt I am in way better shape than just a few of weeks ago. Bad news for Randy Beets. I started tiring after twenty, but I finished them. Compared to last week, I did 200 more on my warmup, took another second off one of the 100s, and added two 100s to the end of the set. For the day, I matched Monday's 4,700 but this practice included some real quality.

Wednesday, John and I met up at 1:30 in the afternoon because I have a night class and I didn't want to come in at 9:00 pm all alone and face the flying, blood-suckers. I warmed up with 2,100 meters and then did some 50s. After that I did another Beetsdown set that I call my Countdown set. This is an ever expanding swim that involves sprinting followed by recovery followed by more sprinting followed by more recovery swimming followed by more sprinting followed by more recovery followed by. The recovery is active which means I don't stop swimming I just slow down and rest for the next sprint. I did 1,200 on my Countdown/Beetsdown set. Then I swam 10 X 150 with small paddles. I was doing some more 50s when the pool was invaded by children. Swim over. But I got in 6,000 meters.

Thursday, John and I got in at around 6:00 and would have gone long, but a cloud blew up and it contained a little lightning, We left after I had 3,900 meters. I swam a 1,300 meter countdown set with small paddles before we abandoned the water. I also did some running that afternoon, so it was a good day with lots of calories burned. My weight has really been dropping this week, and oddly I have not been hungry at night. I hit my low for the year, 162.0, Thursday morning. I have a real chance now to get the weight really down this week because Penny has an engagement Friday night so we will not be going out to eat as we almost always do. I enjoy my date night with my wife, but I always gain at least three pounds from eating out that one meal. Really, three pounds. Without the eat out Friday, I should get under 160 this weekend. Sub 160 is where running begins for me. A lot of people think I am already too thin, but besides athletic performance, I have my health in mind. I am literally swimming and running from diabetes.

Randy Beets has been off Facebook for about a week now. He does this every year around his birthday. When he gets back on, we need to give him fits. Please post in Vicarious Butt Beets and show him how much he has been missed.

Beetsdown Training Week Two

Week Two of my Beetsdown training is in the books, and it was a good one. I feel a little guilty because Randy Beets has been ill and his swimming has been curtailed. But I still have to train. He is a young man and can rebound quickly. Believe it or not, I wish him well and have been praying for his recovery.


Agility ladders on a pond levee.

Having to work Friday, I was hampered from doing everything I wanted. Forced to make tough choices, I picked lifting weights and running. I went back to my old lifting routine. The new routine is one I still believe in, just not when I am in full build mode. I'll go back to it after the Suck when it is too cold to swim outdoors or to swim far outdoors. I have long found it odd that I swim very well the day after a tough upper body lifting session. But when I split my routine, doing push one day and pull the next, and lifted the same day as I swam, my swimming tanked. I find it difficult to lift and then swim. I cannot swim and then lift due to the mosquito problem a Plate City Gym.

Saturday I went to the pond after lifting (full upper body) and running Friday the day before. As usual, my muscles felt stiff and sore. With running that always means a bad jog. But as usual, my swim was great. I am really interested in knowing why that is the case. Just thinking about it, the only thing I can come up with is maybe it involves muscle fiber recruitment. It could be that the weights wake up some of those fibers that were starting to sleep during my swims.

At the pond, I set up a couple of agility ladders, some dumbbells, a barbell, a kettlebell, and some cones in various spots for a circuit workout between swim sets. I had a good time and worked the whole body. The lifting was light and didn't seem to hinder the swims. I did laps followed by the dryland circuit which was 1.35 miles long. Randy Beets and I used to do this sort of thing back in the day. Now I have to do it alone, but that is OK. Besides Randy, when it comes to working out at the pond, I am the best company I have ever had.



Dumbbells on the levee

For the week, I

ran 12.95 miles,
swam 22,822 meters,
walked 3.9 miles, and
lifted weights two times (counting the Saturday pond circuit).

It is now Monday, August 18, and school proper began this morning. I like the look of the three classes I met today. The I now face the challenge, however, of adjusting to my new schedule and surviving this first week. Since I have to keep extra office hours during week one of each semester, the opening of a school term presents challenges to a marathon swimmer. I will survive. That's what marathoners do.

Don't Even Think about It

The week before school starts is always a tough one. I have to work too many days, work too many hours, and be places where I am not needed when I could be doing something productive. Besides all that, I am attempting to ramp up my Suck training so I can once more smash Randy Beets in our Big ASS World Championship race. After the victorious 24 X 100 @ 1:57 that I did Monday, Tuesday night I was back in the pool for

1,800
10 X 50 @ 1:15
1,000 countdown with small paddles (17:52)
10 X 50 @ 1:15
300 small paddles
total: 4,100.

Wednesday I ran at lunch time and did some leg work at Plate City Gym before heading back to work. After my necessary hours, I swam

1,800
10 X 300 @ 6:30
6 X 50 @ 1:15
total: 5,100.

Thursday I had to go to main campus because it didn't make any sense to be there. They needed me in Greenwood because they had no help, but we aren't qualified to know that. During lunch break, D Turner and I ran 3.32 miles. I did come back to Greenwood during the early afternoon after Mary Joseph called and said if I didn't return to the Greenwood Center they were going to start shooting themselves or the students one. At the pool, I swam

2,000
3 X 100 @ 1:55 (I was planning on six or seven but I couldn't make the interval)
1,100 countdown with small paddles (20:15)
2 X 50 easy
100 easy
total: 3,600

I now sit at 17,400 meters for the week. I also sit at my desk despite the fact that today is Friday. During lunch I will either run or swim or lift weights. After work I will either run or swim or lift weights. Tomorrow I will violently and repeatedly punch in the head and shoulders anyone who tries to prevent me from running or swimming or lifting weights. I am serious. Don't mess with me. Don't even think about it.

I Did It

I finally pulled it off. What's that you say? That set, the 20 X 100 @ 1:57. When I opened training for the Suck, I went back to my old 100 meter repeats. The first time @ 2:00, I think I did six reps. Slowly I have been building reps and reducing rest time. Remember, I came close to doing it Monday, but lightning forced me out of the pool. I made it to eighteen then. Thursday, after a bad day of swimming Wednesday, I felt ready to try it again. Not only did I attmept it once more, but before I did I took a second off the fourth rep. So now my watch is programmed for the first four @ 1:56. I swam it all.

I was thinking about Randy Beets the whole time.

Yes, I was pretty shot when it was done, but I think that marks an advancment in my fitness, a leap forward in my ability to swim on the edge when the body is producing a lot of lactic acid and the heart rate is way up there. That is the kind of fitness I may well need to beat Beets butt again at the Suck. Next week, I will try to swim it again after I take a second off rep five. If and when I pull that off, I will take a second off rep six. I think you can see the pattern.

I did the set after a 1,600 meter straight swim warm up. I hope to add a 100 to each warm up and keep hammering the 100 repeats with reduced rest times. Not every day because there are several days during the week when I just can't pull it off. But the idea is to be able to swim long and then push really hard for a mile or more under a state of fatigue. That is what I may have to do in the Tennessee River. Last year, Beets was ahead of me for FOUR miles before I caught him and then we swam side by side for about a half mile. I was pushing hard and finally began to pull away. But then I had a bad patch around mile eight and Randy got close. I keep thinking about that. I have to be able "to go" at any point in the ten miles.

The Jury Is In

The jury is in. I know. It was just yesterday that I wrote about the jury being out on my new weight lifting scheme. Not only have I split my upper body routine, but I am lifitng the same day and before swimming. It's not working. Don't get me wrong. I think it is a great plan in several ways. But I am going to have to go back to my old way-- whole upper body in one workout once per week-- until after Swim the Suck.

I have known for awhile that it was impacting my swims in a negative way. The only good swims I have had since starting the new program have been on the days I didn't lift. Even John has noticed a few times. One day last week after our swim he said, "You were struggling out there weren't you?" I thought maybe I would adjust and reach a point I could handle it. Wednesday afternoon disabused me of that notion. I went to the pond, a new one, because Twin Rivers was closed for a private party. I lifted that morning, just two moves, bench press and swim pull. I had some nutrition and an nap. At the pond, once again, I could barely swim. I made three laps of the half-mile fish enclosure before I tapped out.

If I weren't training to race Randy Beets at Swim the Suck, I would continue my present program and just get in what swimming I can handle. But it is time for me to start ramping up the distance to build the endurance I will need in order to hammer down for ten miles. I just can't do that after an intense lifting session, so I will focus on running and swimming during the week and lifting on the weekend. hat is the new plan. After the Suck when I am reduced to swimming twice per week, I will go back to what I have been doing of late.

I have already written about Monday when I ran 7.75 miles and swam 3,300 meters. Tuesday, I lifted weights and swam 3,000 short course yards at DSU. Wednesday it was to the pond where the water had to be over 90 degrees Fahrenheit. That water temp and the lifting left me done, and I missed a good opportunity to bust out some distance.

On tap for today is a vVo2 max run, lower body weights, and a pool swim  this afternoon. Friday I plan to go back at the pond for big meters and some running too.

Take a look at this photo. I should have put something down for scale. That bone is about eight to ten inches long. This is a new pond, just rebuilt and pumped up. How did that get there? If you look closely, you can see my footprint in the mud on the bottom. What could have killed and eaten such a large animal so soon? There are only three possibilities I can think  of:

   1. Bigfoot
   2. Bull shark
   3. Alligator

Bull sharks, by the way, can and do live in fresh water. They swim up the rivers, into the ditches, (fish ponds are always bordered by ditches) and jump the levees. Once in the pond, they wipe out the fish, turtles, birds, and alligators.

Hodge Suspended

Hodge Suspended

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, MS) Despite a hush, hush approach-- there was never an official announcement of the charges or the date of the hearing-- Zane Hodge appeared before an Association of Sports Swimmers Disciplinary Board Monday morning in the presence of local citizens of a spate of news reporters. Noticeably absent were rival Randy Beets and legal counsel for the accused. The normally upbeat Hodge looked somber, tense, and tight lipped as he entered the Big ASS Endurance Training Center in downtown Lehrton wearing his best blue suit and sporting shined shoes. Once inside, Hodge ignored reporters’ questions and made his way to the conference hall.

Inside the Hall, things moved quickly. After spitting out his snuff, Jim Bob Dugan sang the national anthem, Barney Bob Smutt said a prayer, and Dr. Timothy Nomann called the Board to order.

“The charges,” Nomann read between swigs of an unknown liquid, “are charge one: one count of use of an illegal substance in a Big ASS swim, and charge two: one count of breaking pool rules by taking a photograph inside the Biloxi Natatorium. These offenses allegedly occurred on the respective dates of June 14, during the Chicot Challenge, and June 24 at a training session in the city of Biloxi, Mississippi. How do you plead. Mr. Hodge?”

Hodge responded: “Charge one, not guilty, and charge two, guilty.”

There was a minor buzz that wafted through the room when Hodge said, “Guilty.”

The illegal substance charge stemmed from an allegation by Randy Beets that during the Chicot Challenge Hodge was consuming a drink he called “Rocket Fuel,” a mixture of Gatorade, Red Bull, and a white powder that Hodge refused to identify. Nomann then called for the lab report and the bailiff handed him a large, sealed, manila envelope.

“According to the lab report,” Nomann said after opening the envelope and extracting the paper work inside, “the white powdery substance seized from Mr. Hodge’s home by Lehrton County sheriff deputies on the morning of June 16 is creatine. Since creatine is a legal supplement in all Big ASS Endurance events, I find you not-guilty on charge one, and I ratify your world record swim at the Chicot Challenge.”

“Concerning charge two, you plead guilty. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“Heck yeah I have something to say for myself,” a now animated Hodge responded. “It was Randy Beets who told me about the Biloxi Natatorium. I should have known there was a catch. He never said anything about rules. The woman who checked me in at the pool never said anything about rules. While I swam, the bleachers filled with women who all had visible cell phones. You know cell phones all have cameras. What was to make me think I was doing anything wrong by taking a picture of the pool. There was nobody in the photo I snapped, only the pool. Heck, they ought to reward me for giving them free publicity. This whole thing is nothing but sour grapes from Randy Beets because I broke all his pool records there.”

Nomann paused and seemed to ponder the merits of Hodge’s arguments. After a few seconds he said, “Rules are rules and though no harm may have been done, ASS athletes are expected to maintain the highest moral standards. You are a representative of Big ASS Endurance everywhere you go and at all times. I hereby find you guilty and sentence you to a two week competition suspension. Your pool records at the Biloxi Natatorium will stand, however. This hearing is adjourned.”

With that, Nomann struck the gavel and slowly the crowd began to filter out of the building, a red-faced Hodge among them. I caught up with stunned swimmer just before he made his way out the building entrance door.

“What do you have to say?” I shouted, sticking a microphone in his face. Slowly his eyes refocused and he looked at me with a mien that can only be described as murderous.

“I’ll get that Beets if it’s the last thing I do!” a furious Hodge exploded.

“A two week suspension now is really not a big deal. I mean, there are no major competitions this knocks you out of, so it’s really just symbolic,” I offered trying to calm him down.

“Symbolic!?!? I was set to go the UK and race Annabel Lavers! This stupid revenge stuff of Beets just cost me a trip to England. I’ll get that Beets if it’s the last thing I do. I will!!!”

And with that, Hodge made his way out the door, to his truck, and like so many before him, he burned a tire while pulling out of the parking lot.

Biloxi Week

A few posts back, I recorded Monday through Wednesday of the post Chicot week. Thursday I swam alone at Twin Rivers because John was still sick. Friday I worked in the yard and lifted weights for the first time in months. Saturday I did another short run and short swim with some more weightlifting. For the week (6/23-6/29), I swam 9,250 meters, ran 9.02 and walked 4.56 miles. That's not a lot of work, but I was recovering from the Challenge, and I needed some rest.

My run route along the beach

Sunday morning (6/22) Penny and I left for Biloxi for the MML (Mississippi Municipal League)Convention where we stayed at the Beau Rivage. My main goals for the trip were to exercise as much as possible and to control my eating. It seems that the whole thing was about food. All the way down my sweet wife was telling me where we had to eat on this night and that night and that lunch and . . . . And I was just getting my appetite back under control and had lost a few pounds.

Monday (6/23), while Penny was in a class at the Convention Center, I parked on the beach, somewhere beside Highway 90 and did a little run/walk. It was hot and I shuffled like an old man. I think  I ran 3.52 and walked 1.04 While I immitated a runner, I kept eying the water, wondering if anyone swims out there. I sent Randy Beets a text and asked him (he used to live on the coast) if he ever swam the sound. His reaction was basically, "%$@)! no. Don't do it!" He did put me on to the Biloxi Natatorium, so Tuesday morning while my wife was once more in class, I swam in what started out as a long course pool. After 1,500 meters, all swimming was stopped to convert the pool to short course. So in one swim, I did long and short course, a fist for me. I ended up with 3,967 meters.

Wednesday morning, the MML had their won 5K run/walk on the bridge that goes to Ocean Springs. I flet really bad after we started because I realized if I had been in running shape, I might could have won the whole thing. Nevertheless, I got a good workout on a long course (3.23 miles).

I had intended to go back to the Natatorium Thursday morning, but due to some unexpected issues at home, we left early driving north. After taking care of the business, I took a 2.11 mile run and then met John at Twin Rivers for the first time in over two weeks.He has been ill, and it was good to see him well and back at the pool. I swam

1,800
4 X 200 medium paddles @ 4:25
100 easy
6 X 50 @ 1:00
200 small paddles
Total: 3,200 meters

Friday, my wife was off work and we both did a slow start day. When I finally started moving, I went out for a 4.35 mile shuffle, and then met John at Twin Rivers where I swam

1,800
5 X 200 medium paddles @ 4:25 with 2nd 50 hard
6 X 50 @ 1:15
300 small paddles
Total: 3,400 meters.

Lessons

I started to include this in my last post, but that one was getting a bit long so I chopped it off. Also, I have been offline for a while because of a trip my wife and I made to the coast. More about that in a later writing. Now, I want to set down in words some things I learned in our recent Chicot Challenge.

1. It is worth it. I have invested a huge amount of time and energy into training for the Challenge each of the last three years. It was all worth it. Training for this swim is now an integral part of my  yearly athletic cycle. It is also part of my personal program, I hope, to prevent myself from becoming a Type 2 Diabetic (it runs in my family). If this training and effort prevent me from becoming diabetic, it is and will be more than worth it. Also, I wound up putting a bit of money into this year's swim. For Chicot III, I rented a pontoon boat and a room from South Shore Cottages. That also was worth it. In addition to the training, time, and finances, last year he swim itself became a sufferfest. That was even worth it. Randy Beets recently posted on Facebook some pics from 2013, photos I had not seen. Every view I made of every shot gave me that sense of satisfaction one gets after a long, hard endurance effort. It was indeed worth it. This year's swim was a much easier effort and, consequently, I found myself thinking about the 2015 swim almost immediately after I crawled out of the water. It was worth it. I am as excited now as I was in the weeks leading up to the swim.

2. My nutritional strategy worked; my nutritional strategy had problems. For this swim, I incorporated everything I had learned over the years about what powers the body in an ultra marathon event. That was part of the problem. Although my strategy worked in that it provided me with the needed energy, the same strategy was way too complex and some of the substances I ingested didn't tank mix with other foods. For example, the drink I called "Rocket Fuel" (there is a commercially produced liquid by that name, but this was my own concoction) didn't mix well with the ice-cream. My rocket fuel is a mixture of Red Bull, Gatorade, and creatine. It is powerful stuff, but highly acidic, and it clashed with the ice-cream making me feel a bit queasy. Also, the Peanut Butter Cream Pie was too difficult to eat in the water. I managed to get only half of one down and going into the pit with it was at least eight ounces of lake water. Yuk! Thankfully, I didn't suffer any repercussions from the lake water. None of which I am aware.

One more note about food. The foods I ate for the swim are not foods I normally consume or recommend to others. In short, I ate a lot of junk, but during intense and prolonged exercise, the body is limited to what it can digest, and what it needs at that particular time. In short, bad carbs (high glycemic) are good carbs during a marathon swim but not for everyday life. I repeat, for any diabetics who may read this: I drink Red Bull once per year and consume Peanut Butter Cream Pies and ice-cream, well, not too often.

3. Get somebody to grease my shoulders before the swim. Duh! I have never had chafing problems except on a very small scale, so for a long swim, I normally just use a little BodyGlide under my arms and around my upper lats. On this swim, I started getting raw on the top of my left shoulder where my beard was making contact with the skin. I called for Vaseline and rubbed my shoulders down only to create a nightmare with my goggles for the next hour. This is marathon swimming 101, but it just has never been a problem, so I didn't grease down the top of my shoulders ahead of time. Live and learn.

4. Having the larger crew was a help. When it came to actually looking out for me, Robin Bond and Randy Beets were my primary caregivers. In fact, Robin was never out of her kayak for over eleven hours. Incredible. However, having the pontoon with my son and Paul and my wife and Justin was energizing, motivating. Maybe that's vanity, but it is still the way it works. Having more eyes on me drew out a better performance. When the pontoon temporarily left to ferry Forrest and Paul back to South Shore Cottages, I went through patch of bad swimming and sagging motivation. When the pontoon returned, so did my mojo.

5. Nothing succeeds like success. With a good swim and a great start on fundraising, I already have setup a ring binder, and I'm writing notes and ideas about how to do things better next year. Some of the sections in the notebook are: training, publicity, goals, T-shirts, nutrition, weight, and sponsors. I have never sought sponsors, but with a little help, I could do a lot more. For example, my primary way personally to raise funds for the DFM has been through selling T-shirts, and I have been limited to how many shirts I sell through what I could afford to buy. With a sponsor or two, I could purchase and sell a lot more shirts. Live and learn.

I still have a bit of catching up to do so most likely I will post every day for the next few. Good swimming or running or walking or whatever you do to care for your body. Remember, your health is a gift from God, and you are the only one who can care for it.

Raging against Hodge

Raging against Hodge

By Jay Unver

After months of training, suspense, and controversy, Randy Beets is a world champion. It was a tumultuous few days for the tall guy first having his suspension lifted and then suffering a surprising and stunning defeat at the hands of newcomer Justin Nunnery in the Pensacola Tri last Saturday, May 17th. Beets, however, came storming back to handily outpace Nunnery and win the inaugural Big ASS World Salt Water Championship Three Miler the next day.

Dr. Timothy Nomann himself was on hand to witness history and what many are calling Beets' finest hour. After his emergence from the water-- knocking an amazing twenty-three minutes off his best time-- and after receiving the championship medal from Nomann, I caught up with the first time champion and asked him the question that was on every one's mind.

Beets after his victory but before his tirade

I asked if he felt his victory was in some way tainted due to the absence of his chief rival, Zane Hodge. Beets response was, "#%$+ that little son of a *&#^%. That #@=&6ing little turd was too much of a coward to show up here. I would have whipped his a$$ and %$*^ed him up for good. I think he's a sorry #@%$ *^&& @#+^!"

At this point, several mothers covered their small children's ears and began to retreat to a safer location. Beets, whose fury was still not spent, resumed. "I think Hodge is a #!@$ *%^& $%#^ *@%#$ &^@$#% +_#^%@#$%."

Being a little nonplussed, I enquired about the upcoming charity swim, the Chicot Challenge, which the two men are slated to work together. Once more Beets went mental at the mere mention of Hodge's name. "That little %#$$ @*&& #@^% has got Justine [Randy's pronunciation] Nunnery coming to protect him from me. Bull $*##."

And with that, I eased away, fearing the unstable Beets might turn violent and attack me or an innocent bystander.