Answer

Like a lot of folks, I complain a bit. Not a lot, just some. The chief topic of my gripe is language. Many years ago, certain groups launched a war within the USA on grammar. I didn't see it myself until I got to college as a non-traditional student as we are called now. But in the education field, we were told constantly not to teach grammar because, "Scientific research shows, . . . ." I am not anti-science, but I have learned to be suspicious when someone evokes "scientific research," especially if what they are arguing for flies in the face of common sense and what has worked for decades. I respond the same way I do when a used car salesman says he has a real deal just for me. Yeah, right. They are doing it again and this time it's with homework. "The research shows . . . ," I am reading over and over. Get rid of homework and kids get smarter. 

The dumbing down of America continues. 

But I digress. 

It's grammar I want to talk about.

The cows have come home. The grammar ones.

After a couple of decades of "grammar is bad," the English language has sunk to new lows, such lows as to cause me extreme angst almost every day of my life. I hear PhDs who massacre the language in embarrassing ways. No joke. College educated people no longer know the difference between the subjective case and the objective case and say things like "Send Brenda and I an email." English teachers themselves often do not know the difference anymore because I work with several who make the same mistakes repeatedly. It makes me want to throw up on the floor.

But I have an answer.

I can solve the problem.

Not only that, but I can retire America's huge national dept within one year IF.

Yes, it is a big IF, but hear me out.

Appoint me Language Czar of the United States of America, and give me unlimited power to fine and imprison individuals, corporations, and businesses for crimes against the English language.

Yes, I know you can't do it yourself but the President of the United States can, and you can help persuade him to do it. Write a letter to the White House, contact your congressman, call your senator. Begin a campaign to secure me this position, and watch me reshape America. We can be pure again, linguistically as pure as fresh driven snow.

My first act as LCOTUS, will be to inform Walmart that they are fined $100,000 per day per store retroactive ten days ago until they correct that horrendous sign that reads, Twenty Items or Less. Most likely it would take them several days to figure what's wrong with the sign, so I would collect a couple of billion right there. With those billions, I could pay my salary, my entire staff's and all our office expenses. The remaining funds could be split between retiring the national dept and creating a savings account that would eventually pay for undercover language police.

The initial language police would be uniformed officers who answer complaints against the language. One area of emphasis for my department will be the apostrophe. I can get the government billions on that one alone. With those untold billions, I will be able to put on the streets of America undercover language police who will patrol America and protect our children from linguistic predators. Imagine this. You and a friend are having lunch in a local cafe and are chatting about the weather (or anything else). "We don't need no more rain," your friend says and then in a flash, someone pulls a weapon, aims it at your buddy's head and screams, "Freeze! Language police!" He is then cuffed up, taken to jail, and fined heavily. He will remain incarcerated until he pays off the fine. Every last cent.

Does this sound like the America you want? Maybe you think all of this is a bit draconian, but think how seriously far we have already sunk. Read the King James version of the Bible and realize that we have steadily decayed in the beauty and power of our beloved tongue. She deserves protection, veneration, and exaltation not the abuse, unconcern, and scorn she is receiving. Many countries today have language academies who do exactly what I am proposing to do here. In lieu of a language academy, have me instead as the most powerful czar in the states. In a short two years, I can have us back on track to speaking more gooder and writing more better, and I promise financial prosperity to boot. What's not to like?