Beets Indicted

Beets Charged

By Jay Unver

Lehrton, MS (BA) A somber-looking Randy Beets appeared at the Big ASS Training Center Conference room to plead to charged in what could be the most explosive and most serious trial in the history of the Association. The single charge is "False statements intended to disrupt the normal operations of Big ASS Endurance and to interfere with another athlete's contest."

Beets during happier times

The charge stems from Facebook posts, indicating that June 2nd was/is Beets' birthday. Beets' chief rival, Zane Hodge, was born on June 2 and his world famous Chicot Challenge falls on or near that date each year. "In an effort to draw attention away from Hodge's swim," the indictment reads, "Beets either put forth or allowed June 2nd to be his birthday in a diversionary attempt intended to pull attention away from Hodge's swim."

"This action not only impacted Hodge's swim, but it is a blow at the whole organization. Thus, Big ASS intends to seek the death penalty [permanent exclusion from the organization] if Beets is found guilty," Dr. Nomann read. 

When asked for a plea, Beets' attorney, Cindy Johnson of Johnson, Johnson, and Johnson, PLLC, asked for a delay. "Due to the serious nature of this charge, I respectfully request more time to discuss a plea with my client." 

Nomann granted a 24-hour delay.