Beets' Trial

The Trial of the Century

By Jay Unver

The much anticipated trial of embattled ASS Randy Beets began today at the old Opera House in downtown Lehrton, MS. On hand for the bench trial were prosecuting attorney for Big ASS Endurance, Billy Boy Sharpy, counsel for Mr. Beets, Robin Bond, and Zane Hodge, star witness for the prosecution.

Dr. Nomann, serving as judge, called the proceedings into order at 8:00 am sharp, and read the charges which were: five counts of filing false documents with the Association, five counts of cyber-bullying, and one count of conduct unbecoming an ASS. Bond immediately filed a motion for dismissal with prejudice based on the contention that the charges themselves were a de facto judgment, that Beets, consequently, had been punished enough, and the charges themselves were nothing more than a spurious vendetta by Hodge attacking his chief opponent. Nomann rejected Bond's motion, and the trial promptly began.

Billy Boy Sharpy, ASS prosecutor

The prosecution immediately started its case on the false documents charges. Convicted last September of the same offense, Sharpy said Beets "continues to lie about his height. In initial documents filed with Big ASS," he said, "Beets listed his height at 6'6". After Hodge's complaint, Beets admitted to being 6'6 and 1/2" which resulted in subsequent charges and a finding of guilt. Beets later bragged of being 6'7" which indicates he is sill duplicitous concerning his elevation," Sharpy added.

Bond objected to Sharpy's use of the term "elevation." She was overruled.

Bond then countered that "Beets' height changes throughout the day. He doesn't measure the same thing at different times," she pleaded.

Nomann at that point stopped argumentation and ordered Beets to be measured on the spot. The results showed Beets actually to be 6'7 and 1/8".

'Now," Nomann said, "we have that matter settled, I hope for ever."

The prosecution then moved to the other four counts of false documents which involved graphs Beets posted on Facebook. "The numbers the defendant uses in these graphs," the prosecutor said, pointing to a PowerPoint presentation on a whiteboard, "are the same ones he turned in to Big ASS as part of his weekly filing. The numbers for Hodge are wrong as indicated by Hodge's own filings and also as verified by eyewitnesses to some of Hodge's training. Since Hodge's numbers are verifiably wrong, it stands to reason that the numbers Beets claims for himself are also incorrect."

Bond countered that Hodge's numbers on the graphs "were made up for the purpose of making Hodge look bad, but that Beets' training numbers were in fact correct and that eyewitnesses could collaborate some of his workouts."

At that, Sharpy went wild claiming Bond had proven the next set of charges and that Nomann should render an immediate finding of guilt. Bond objected and was upheld.

Bond, Beets, and Hodge in happier times

One count of cyber-bullying involved a photo-shopped picture of Hodge making him look huge fat. "Seeing that both Beets and Hodge came to endurance athletics because of weight issues," Sharpy added, "this stunt is far less than appropriate." In response, Bond only reiterated that it was all in good fun and that Hodge himself had little to say in response to the photo when in appeared on Facebook.

The trial then moved to the next set of charges with Sharpy again stating Bond's admission that Hodge's numbers on Beets' graphs amounted to an admission of guilt of the five counts of cyber-bullying. Bonds countered with the contention that only four of the bullying charges involved graphs and that compared to what Hodge had done to Beets over the years, Beets' graphs were less than unfriendly in comparison. Bonds then went on to do her own PowerPoint presentation that showed pictures, and disparaging articles written by Hodge about Beets over the past three years. Her presentation was compelling and went on for an a solid two hours before Nomann finally stopped her and said she had made her point and made it well.

The trial was then adjourned for lunch to reconvene at 2:00 pm.

Reconvening, the trial moved to the final charge: conduct unbecoming an ASS. To this point, the exact nature of this allegation was unknown. Most thought it somehow involved Beets activity towards Mr. Hodge. However, as the trial revealed, this charge actually stemmed from an incident at the Morganton Aquatic Center in Morganton, NC. where Beets allegedly mooned a group of church ladies who were doing water aerobics in the pool while Beets swam laps. Bond claimed the whole incident was "an unfortunate misunderstanding resulting from a wardrobe malfunction." According to her, the back end of Beets jammer "blew out while he was doing a flip turn in the shallow end near the ladies," one of whom fainted and had to be defibrillated by paramedics. In fact, she claimed, the failed jammer had been a gift from Hodge himself who possibly created the whole disaster via trickery.

Upon direct questioning, Hodge denied any knowledge of gifting Beets a jammer. "Heck," he said, "we never give each other anything except a hard time." Under cross examination by Bonds, Hodge admitted it was possible he had given Beets and faulty jammer but, he really didn't remember doing so. Asked by Sharpy under redirect what percentage of certainty Hodge had that he did not give Beets a jammer, Hodge's reply was "99.99999."

In her closing arguments, Bonds repeated the veracity of Beets numbers concerning his own training, pointed to the now settled status of Beets' height, and highlighted the mild nature of Beets' teasing of Hodge, who in her words deserved much more. After all, she said, turn about is fair play, and "he has dished out more dirt than a worn out dump truck." She reiterated her contention that the whole jammer failure was an unforeseeable accident that could happen to anyone at anytime. After all she asked, who hasn't split a pair of pants?

And with that, the Big ASS Trial of the Century ended at 5:05 in the afternoon CST. Dr. Nomann then retired to his quarters to begin deliberations with himself.

Hodge left the Opera House without comment.