Friday, April 11, 2014

Pre-Sentencing Hearing

Pre-Sentencing Hearing
By Jay Unver
First, the sentencing of Randy Beets was postponed from Thursday until Friday. Then what was expected to be Judge Nomann's final words on the trial, turned instead into a pre-sentencing hearing. Appearing before Nomann and a packed house were Robin Bond, counsel for embattled Randy Beets, and Billy Boy Sharpy, legal counsel for Big ASS Endurance and Special Prosecutor for the Beets' Trial. Hodge was in attendance sitting in the congregation sipping form a large cup of coffee and eating our of a brown paper bag. Big ASS Endurance has its own rules and eating and drinking in the courtroom are not only allowed but encouraged. Conspicuously absent from the proceeding was Randy Beets.

Robin Bonds was allowed to plead leniency on Beets behalf. The false documents charge on which that Mr. Beets was found guilty, she said, was nothing more than a growing young man who didn't know how tall he was. It's a moot point, she added, and unworthy of punishment. After all, we all now know how tall he if. If his height changed again in the future, it is only nature and nature can't be controlled.

Sharpy countered that Beets had continually lied about his height for the three years that he had been an ASS and that rules are rules.

Moving to the cyber-bullying charge, Bond reiterated what she said in the trial, that Beets offenses were far less than anything Hodge had done and that turn about must be fair play or Hodge himself should face dozens of charges.

Sharpy's response was that he had accepted the not guilty finding on four of the charges. That he said sets the legal precedence that ASS athletes can taunt and harass one another with impunity. However, the guilty finding involved the special case of Beets making fun of Hodge's weight. That can't be allowed since both of these men came from the Fasttrack Fatties and have overcome fat at great cost to themselves and their families. They have been an inspiration to untold thousands of lard butts across the world. If they are allowed to poke fun of one another over that, it could have life threatening consequences to other pork butts.

Moving to the conduct unbecoming charge, Bonds continued to maintain that the whole incident should never have resulted in a charge. Sharpy countered that a near-death experience cannot be overlooked as a 'wardrobe malfunction.'

At the point, Nomann became frustrated and yelled at both parties. "Neither of you have said anything that you didn't say in the trial. Do either one of you have anything new to add? I am weary of the same arguements repeated and repeated until I have them memorized!"

Bond offered that she had something new. "I want to call a witness to plead for a light sentence," she said.

"Call your witness," Nomann responded.

'I call Zane Hodge."

Nomann pounded the gavel until he broke into a sweat trying to calm the courtroom. No one could believe their ears, and Hodge looked as surprised as everyone else. He choked on his coffee and blushed until he looked like a ripe tomato.

Rising form his seat, he walked slowly towards the bench, and was sworn in. Then MS Bond began to question him.

"Mr. Hodge, would you describe your relationship with Mr. Beets."

Sharpy objected saying this was not supposed to be a retrial, but he was overruled when Bond explained she was only setting Hodge's future comments in their proper context.

"Proceed," Nomann ordered.

"Answer the question, please Mr. Hodge."

"Well, it's pretty simple. We hate one anther. We hate one another a lot. We can't stand each other. We have fought several times. We are competitors, and each of us wants to destroy the other. Not only that, but we don't like each other."

"OK. What do you think should be Mr. Beets' punishment. No, let me rephrase that. As his enemy, what do you want to happen to Mr. Beets?"

"Well uh, maybe a small fine. Maybe, uh, what do you call it when you don't go to jail but you sort of have a jail sentence hanging over you? What's that word?


"Yeah, probation. That's what I want to see happen to him. Probation."

"Since you are enemies, why do you not want him suspended from Big ASS competition?" Bond queried.

"I don't want to see him suspended," Hodge answered, "because essentially that would punish me. I wouldn't have him to beat, and beating Beets is my chief joy in life. Why should I be punished for his wrong doing?"

"I have nothing further to say," Bond said and walked away from the witness stand.

Nomann ended the hearing and once more retired to his chambers for deliberation.