Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Beets Facing New Charges

Beets Facing New Charges
By Jay Unver

Disgraced distance swimmer Randy Beets is in trouble again. Last September, Beets was charged with and found guilty of falsifying documents filed with the Association of Sports Swimmers. In short, the Big ASS Endurance Disciplinary Hearing found Beets guilty of lying about his height. Although being tall is not against any rules or bylaws of any of the numerous ASS groups unified under Big ASS, falsifying documents with the athletic organization is a serious offense.

Disgraced ASS Randy Beets
It was Zane Hodge, Beets' arch rival, who filed the height complaint last September that led to Beets' first run in with the organization's hierarchy.

As a result of the guilty finding, Beets was sentenced to one hour roller blading in Arizona, a fine of an undisclosed amount, and official supervision at the Swim the Suck Ten Mile race.

This time Beets faces an embarrassing array of charges which include cyber bullying, falsifying documents with Big ASS Endurance, and conduct unbecoming an ASS.

When asked to comment, Hodge responded, "He's guilty, guilty, guilty. He's gone nuts. Right now he is as coo coo as Coo Coo Puffs."

Hodge was also queried about his role in the charges. "I said nothing. I filed no complaint. He is so out of control right now, I think Dr. Nomann filed the charges himself," he said referring to Timothy Nomann, President and CEO of Big ASS Endurance.

Dr. Nomann, President of Big ASS Endurance
Once he started talking, Hodge, the three time Big ASS World Champion, couldn't stop. "At the last Suck," he volunteered, "it often takes time for the paddlers to meet up with the swimmers. As a part of his sentence, he had to have an official observer at that race. It took the observer four miles to find Beets. He was ahead of me for four miles. Coincidence? As soon as somebody was watching him, I caught him and passed him. What does that tell you? He is as crooked as he is tall. And we still don't know how tall that is."

"What is likely to happen to him if they find him guilty again?" I asked Hodge.

"Heck if I know. Since it's not a criminal matter, they can't put him in jail, but that is where he needs to be. Really, have you ever seen anyone so out of touch with reality? Where is his mother? Where is his dad? Where are his brothers? He needs them right now. He needs an intervention in the worst sort of way.

"If they fine him, they can't get much. As professionals with the Association of Sports Swimmers, we receive $20.00 per year and one can of potted meat in addition to any awards we might win. For Beets that's twenty bucks, a can of potted meat and nothing."

"Twenty dollars is all y'all get?" I asked incredulously.

"I know it's not much, but it's better than a poke in the eye. Besides, it gives us professional status and that helps us on our taxes. We get deductions for our travel expenses to and from our competition. I probably saved $30 or $40 on my tax bill last year," Hodge added.

"Do you know what the false document charge is about?" I continued to pry Hodge.

"Our contract says we have to log our training each week with the Association. They keep check on us to make sure we are working hard and are worthy of the money they pay us. He's gone crazy with these graphs that are obviously false. Telling lies to your boss is never a good idea."

"And the cyber bullying?"

"I think that involves me, stuff he's been putting on Facebook. But really, I wish they would drop that. I can take care of myself. I just enrolled in self-defense classes, and I bought a can of mace."

"And the conduct unbecoming?"

"Being seven feet tall and acting like a badly behaved child, would be my guess. Dude, you don't want someone like him representing your organization."

"What do you think set him off?"

"Getting beat like a red-headed step child by me over and over can't be easy to take. Last year, he had Brian Ott and the whole team at the Greenville Y all worked together to train him to beat me. He still lost. Then there was the awards banquet. Jeez Louise. At the time, I thought it was pretty funny. But when I thought about it a bit, I actually felt sorry for him," Hodge said seeming to somber in his mood.

"What happened?"

"Everything. His mother fainted, he fell down, he spilled his food on the floor and in his lap. I won most of the awards. He was named 'Tallest Momma's Boy of the Year.' I believe it was just too much for him. I think I may have even taunted him a bit. I regret that now. He left the State of Mississippi shortly afterwards, and all that anyone around here has heard from him since then has been nonsense."

Hodge grew quiet for a moment then added. "It's sort of sad. I hope they don't suspend him. I wouldn't have anybody to beat. And I just keep thinking, Where is his momma?"