Decisions

Decisions

by Jay Unver

Promising “swift and decisive action” in the latest Zane Hodge/Randy Beets controversy, Dr. Timothy Nomann, President of Big ASS Endurance, delivered on his vow this morning. At a press conference held in the Big ASS Training Center in downtown Lehrton, Mississippi, Nomann announced his findings and decision following the recent controversial world championship swim at Chattanooga, Tennessee won by Hodge against a no-show Beets.

Beets, through his lawyer Dave Elmore, had accused Hodge of poisoning the tall guy who claimed to be unable to swim because of illness the morning of the event. Hodge had in turn asked the Association to discipline Beets due to “breach of competition.” For the past week, Nomann has investigated the matter by conducting interviews, reviewing security footage from a Chattanooga ice-cream shop, and taking sworn testimony from a sports psychologist and a prominent MD.

In view of the facts uncovered, Nomann precluded the necessity of a trial for either swimmer. He found there was “no credible evidence to support the contention that Hodge poisoned Beets.” Further, he added, “Beets was obviously sick according to the testimony of a leading sports psychologist and a well-respected MD.” Both Drs. Johnny Duggan, the sports psychologist, and Tory Nemo, a local physician, agreed the Randy Beets is suffering from a condition known as “Beetsdown Syndrome.”

Reporters immediately seized upon the Beetsdown Syndrome diagnosis. “Is this a new disease?” one reporter asked.

“Condition,” Dr. Nemo answered. “No, the condition has been observable for decades. What is new is the name. For the first time, this condition has been named. Dr. Duggan and I are co-authoring an article on this that will appear in next month’s Journal of Big ASS Athletics.”

“This name, obviously it comes from Randy Beets,” another reported piped in.

“Yes,” Dr. Duggan responded. “Randy Beets is the quintessential example of a constellation of symptoms that have been observable in athletics for decades.”

“And these are?”

“Tightness in the muscles of the neck, trapezius, and deltoids, nausea, vomiting, Mesenteric adentis, performance anxiety, depression, bed-wetting, chapped hinder parts, hemorrhoids, and general wimpiness,” Dr. Nemo answered.

“You called this a ‘condition.’ Is this a real illness or is it all in Randy’s head?” a reporter in the back yelled out.

“It is psychosomatic in origin, but real in the body. In other words, though it begins with the mind, the stress is so great that the body really becomes sick.”

“So how did Randy get this?” another reporter yelled out.

“Competition with Zane Hodge. Being hag-prone. Having 110 Beetsdown pictures posted on the Facebook page ‘Vicarious Butt Beets.’ Getting his butt kicked at Swim the Suck three years in a row. We think the tipping point came at the 2013 Heart O’ Dixie Triathlon when Hodge defeated Randy Beets’ entire relay team. Then the twenty-five Beetsdown pictures posted on Facebook the day before the swim was overwhelming. Beets just couldn’t endure.”

“Is there hope for Randy Beets, or is he finished as a Big ASS athlete?” I asked knowing the readers of the Lehrton Gazette would want to know this.

“Absolutely not. He is finished,” Dr. Nemo said with conviction.

“This is where Dr. Nemo and I disagree,” Dr. Duggan interrupted. “I think there is some hope. Mississippi State football had the then unnamed Beetsdown Syndrome for decades. Today they are the number one ranked team in college football. They have been cured.”

“Should Zane Hodge feel responsible for Randy’s reduced health? Can and should Big ASS Endurance discipline Hodge for his role in destroying Beets?” a fat reporter with coffee stains on his yellow shirt asked.

“As health care professionals, discipline is beyond our purview,” Nemo responded. “That is for Dr. Nomann to decide. Our responsibility here was simply to examine Beets and diagnose his condition. We have done that. As for how Mr. Hodge feels or should feel, he is here, why not ask him.”

At this point, all eyes in the room shifted to Hodge who sat on the back row with a huge grin on his face.

“Obviously you think this is funny,” the reporter nearest him blurted out.

“No,” Hodge answered. “I don’t. Really I feel very bad for Beets.” But at that precise moment he broke into laughter, and not just any laughter but a deep belly laugh that had him doubled over, holding his midsection, and unable to breath. Red-faced he stomped the floor with his right foot and almost fell out of his chair. “It’s not funny,” he gasped and then laughed so hard he almost passed out.

The room slowly emptied of reporters leaving Hodge alone in his laughter. “It’s not funny,” he kept saying while stomping his foot and laughing and laughing and laughing.