Top of the Yo Yo

For the past fifteen weeks, my emotions have been like a yo yo: up and down, down and up. Right now, I am up. Sort of.

I had a good session of physical rehab yesterday. The tightness in the back of the shoulder is disappearing and although I still feel the biceps tendons from time to time, it is not pain anymore. Maybe I am overreacting to any sensation in the shoulder. Once, I had an Achilles tendon issue. Every time I would try to run, the tendon would start to-- not pain, but feel funny and to ache just a bit. To be safe, I would stop running and walk home.

I did that for months until one day, in disgust and frustration, I just kept running. Those odd sensations lasted a few minutes and then faded away. It happened every time I ran for months. Eventually, these achilles sensations left and stayed gone. Maybe that is what is happening with the shoulder. The problem is that this injury has impacted my thinking and my confidence in my body so much that I freak at every little feeling.

One thing is for sure. I can't afford to start over again and still do Chicot. Better than a quarter of a year has passed already since I pushed on a concrete pad and my shoulder popped making a sound like someone snapping a stick. Later that same day, I attempted to pick up another one of those pads and the shoulder made a ripping sound like someone tearing a pair of jeans. It has been a long, long comeback from there.

In the past, training for the big swim always started in January. Now is the time I am normally in the base building and strength training phase. Last year at this time, I was warming up with 100 pounds on the bench press and going up to 160. Now I am warming up with 50 pounds and going up to 60, and that is a big improvement. Wow, just wow.

But it is what it is as they say, and at least I am inching my way upwards. I did go to the pool after Tuesday's PT session. The 76 degree water felt good and so did the shoulder. I stopped at 1,800 meters because I felt something, not pain just something. Am I overreacting? There is my sticking point. Do I just keep swimming? I am a little short on nerve right now. Better safe than sorry, I keep thinking. Maybe today, maybe I will break through my fear and regain my confidence.

I long for that feeling that my body is sound, that the water is my domain, that I can swim all day. I miss that, I yearn for it. It will come back, won't it? It has to. Thank you, Jesus for hope and health and happiness, and you who are praying for me, please don't stop. I especially need it when the yo yo hits the bottom like it has forty-eight times in the past fifteen weeks.