Hodge Wins Height Challenge

Hodge Wins Height Challenge

Jay Unver (Lehrton, MS) Big ASS Endurance held a press conference at the Big ASS Training Center in Lehrton, MS today. Spokesman Jim Bob Dugan announced that the Association had ruled in favor of marathon swimmer Zane Hodge who last week filed a formal protest against arch rival Randy Beets. Hodge was all smiles at the announcement.

Reading from a prepared statement, Dugan said

        “There is credible and substantial evidence that Randy Beets is indeed taller than the 6’6” he listed on filing papers with The Association of Sports Swimmers, The Association of Sports Shufflers, and The Association of Sports Syclists. Although this, in and of itself, does not amount to an infraction of any the Big ASS Endurance rules, it does, on the other hand, make reasonable Hodge’s request of an independent observer of Beets in the upcoming open water world championship swim.”

        Hodge gloated over the announcement. “I told ya,” he was heard to mutter over and over. He took the attitude that the ruling amounted to some sort of rebuke of Beets. Beets’ spokesperson, Anna Clegg Mauceli, filed an immediate appeal as well as lodging a counter complaint asking for “a full and impartial investigation of Hodge’s stunning, single-handed victory over Beets’ entire relay team at the Heart O’ Dixie Triathlon.”

While Hodge grinned, Mauceli stared him down like a mean dog peering into a cage full of cats. Beets himself, absent due to “work,” said in a phone interview that he could care less how many people watched his swim in Tennessee because “the little fellow is going down this time for sure.”

Mauceli was in an especially sour mood and echoed those same sentiments while Hodge ate donuts and ice-cream, refreshments provided for reporters. When one reporter asked if he was breaking training by eating such food, Hodge replied, “Heck no! Ice-cream is the ultimate endurance fuel. It will be in my pilot’s boat at the Suck and in my belly also. I can eat anything I want. Shoot, that Beets is hog fat now. I could gain a little weight and still be way leaner than Lard Butt Beets.”

With that, Hodge cut a glance at Mauceli. “Looks like you’re following suit with Lard Butt and putting on a little yourself.” At that point, Mauceli became belligerent, bum rushed Hodge, and had to be subdued by Big ASS security guards. She was then escorted out of the building all the while screaming obscenities at Hodge who continued to eat ice-cream. He had a smile on his face while the irate Mauceli was placed in her car and ordered off the property.

“Poor darling,” he said. “She just got in with the wrong team.”