What Goes Around . . . .

Beets under Investigation

By Jay Unver

Lehrton, MS (BA) An investigator for Big ASS Endurance, speaking on conditions of anonymity today, relayed to me that Randy Beets is under investigation by the organization. Calls to Dr. Nomman's office went unanswered. 

"This is serious," the investigator said in hushed tones over a plate of pancakes and grits at Jack's Cafe in downtown Lehrton. "We are talking death penalty here."

Jay Unver (File photo)

"Can you give me any specifics?" I pleaded with him between mouthfuls of fried eggs and jellied toast.

"No. I expect a formal announcement any day now. After that, things should move quickly. From what I hear, this is pretty much an open and shut case."


"Is it performance enhancing drugs? Cheating? Conduct unbecoming a Big ASS athlete? Anything?"

He was quiet a second. After a sigh he said, "False . . . ."

But he caught himself. 

"I have to go."

Controversial Big ASS swimmer Randy Beets.

At that, he was up and out of the cafe in nothing flat leaving a half eaten plate of food and a simmering cup of Jack's coffee. I sat and tried to fill in the gaps, to connect the dots, but I could come up with nothing. Whatever your criticisms are of Big ASS, one thing is for sure: it is not boring. Something is always happening in "the Association" as locals call it.

Then I considered going next door to the barber shop. If anybody on the street knew, they would. But after a second I thought better of that. They might start shooting guns in the air, and we could wind up with another riot. The Hodge ordeal still has some of his ardent supporters on edge and itching for a fight. Randy Beets is about a popular as leprosy around here and it's no good to stir the pot. As soon as this reporter gets any new information, he will compose it here.