New Ruling

Swim Ratified

By Jay Unver

Nomann

Lehrton, MS (BA) Dr. Timothy Nomann, reading from a prepared statement, announced Wednesday morning that Zane Hodge's Chicot Challenge VI swim had been accepted as the new Big ASS World Record surpassing Hodge's own mark set only a year ago. "The recent swim met all qualifications and has been adjudicated by the Rules Committee of Big ASS Endurance. Hodge's suspension, however, resumed at midnight June 4 and will continue until the Association rules otherwise," Nomann read before exiting the room.

As when Hodge's dispensation was granted, fireworks started going off almost immediately on the square in Lehrton, and gunfire could be heard erupting from the Lehrton County Coon Hunters Clubhouse almost two miles away. Several local business closed early while the people young and old danced in the park as coon dogs bawled like barking at a treed raccoon. 

Outside of Collett Street Recreation Center in Morganton, North Carolina, Randal Beets only sneered and said, "Eat a swim jammer," when asked his opinion on the new record. 

Hodge could not be reached for comment but was reportedly hidden away studying for his Sunday morning sermon to be delivered at Centerville Baptist Church.