Big ASS Awards Banquet

Big ASS Awards Banquet

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) The stars were out in their best attire to walk the red indoor/outdoor carpet at the Old Lehrton Opera House for the 2019 Big ASS Awards Banquet. The black tie only affair was held Saturday, January 11th at 7:00 p.m. Vale parking, picked up Zane Hodge's 1971 GMC pickup while Hodge and his wife Penny made their entrance into the now rusty sheet metal-covered old Opera House which was festooned with used Halloween decorations provided by the Lehrton Trash Department.

Hodge and his wife had a table near the podium while Randy Beets, due to living in North Carolina, was present via Skype on the jumbotron on stage. After prayer and the national anthem, the athletes were served hot dogs and a bag of Lays potato chips. They sipped hot tea out of something that looking like budget china.

After the invocation and anthem, Dr. Timothy Nomann gave his annual speech on the state of Big ASS. He was particularly pleased with the renewed rivalry between Hodge and Beets. He also went on and on about the popularity of The new Association of Sports Strongmen and how Hodge was now dominating his fifth sport. After a thirty-minute speech, he was given a rousing standing ovation that lasted for a solid two minutes.

A couple of speakers followed who extolled the virtues of a physically active lifestyle and urged the whole crowd the get more fit in 2020 than ever. Then, with the meal finished, it was time for the awards.

The first category taken up was road running. The 5K Championship went the Zane Hodge. The 10K Championship went to Zane Hodge. The Ten Mile Championship went to Zane Hodge. The Road Runner of the Year went to, you guessed it, Zane Hodge. Randy Beets was given an Honorable Mention.

The second category to be recognized was pool swimming. Zane Hodge was the Big ASS Champion at 200, 500, and 1,000 yards. Randy Beets was the champion at 50 and 100 yards. The Pool Swimmer of the Year went to Zane Hodge.

Besides running, Hodge won the Triathlete Championship also by virtue of his in abstentia victories over Beets at the Heart O' Dixie and the Dragonfly Triathlons. 

Open water swimming was up next, and Zane Hodge was named the Big ASS World Open Water Champion for he record setting performance at the 2019 Chicot Challenge where is set the world record at 12.75 miles in 6:57. Randy Beets was not even mentioned here and the look on his face, visible on the jumbotron was visible for all to see.

Zane Hodge was also named the Cyclist of the Year for his performance at the Bikes, Blues[,] and Bayous cycling event held last August. There, Hodge smashed Beets in abstentia.

Finally, the awards for the Association of Sports Strongmen were given out. Hodge was recognized for his world records in the bench press, the log press, the Husafell Stone, the Duck Walk, the keg carry, the yoke carry, and the Farmer's Walk. Thus it was not surprising that he was named the Big ASS Strongman of the Year.

Besides his Honorable Mention for pool swimming, and his 50 and 100 yard freestyle titles, Randy Beets was once more the winner of the Tallest Loser Award which unfortunately caused his mother, Betty Ryan Beets, to burst into tears at that announcement. Besides his squalling mother, Beets could be seen throwing a glass as he stormed off screen. Hodge, who had to have help loading his trophies into the back of his truck, was seen smiling broadly at the spectacle of Beets' tantrum. 

Some things never change.