Big ASS Awards Banquet

The 2016 Big ASS Awards Banquet

By Jay Unver

Lehrton, MS. The stars were shinning bright like the twinkling above on a moonless night under a clear sky: Randy Beets, Zane Hodge, Robin Bond, Bel Lavers, Justin Nunnery, Tabatha Whitten, and a host of other successful but largely unknown athletes of the Association all showed up for the annual red carpet event. Accompanying the stars were all the trappings of prestige, pomp, and celebration at the 2015/16 Big ASS Awards Banquet. 

Cancelled in early 2016 due to an ISSIS threat, Big ASS and its athletes seemed determined to make up the lost year. The celebration/ceremony was held at the old Lehrton Cotton Compress Warehouse. The only building in town large enough to host the banquet sported a new coat of white house paint over it's rusty corrugated metal exterior. Valet parking was provided by the local Lehrton County Coon Hunters Association, and Dr. Nomann himself, the president and CEO of the organization, greeted each arrival with a bow, a handshake, and a smile.

When Hodge arrived, however, he extended his hand towards Nomann who looked back at the next arrival. Hodge, visible affected by the snub, reddened, went inside, and scowled as he took his seat. The tables, made of plywood on top of saw horses, were covered with old newspapers which featured Randy Beets winning the Open Water World Championship at Swim the Such in Chattanooga, Tennessee. This further irritated Hodge who proceeded to "spill" dipping sauce on the newspapers, covering Beets' face with yellow liquid.

Missing was Randy Beets' mom, who reportedly explained her absence during a phone interview that she feared and dreaded a dust up between Hodge and her son. Further, she reported, that "Hodge doesn't know how to act in public."

The revelers were treated to the live music of Johnny Smutt and the Bad Boys who played several cover songs was well as some of their original pieces that have started bar fight across the county and beyond. The local Ladies Water Aerobics group were the servers as well as being undercover security. They carried out slice after slice of pizza from Lehrton's own famous Jim Bob's Pizza. Jim Bob himself was on hand wearing a clean T-shirt and a huge smile on his unusual face.

After the meal, Dr. Nomann took the dais and announced the 2015 winners. Randy Beets was the Open Water World Champion by default due to Hodge not making Swim the Suck that year. Bel Lavers became the first Big ASS Swimmer to conquer the English Channel and took home a large trophy and the world record for the longest swim, 21 miles. Hodge was named Athlete of the Year and Triathlon World Champion due to his performance at the venerable Heart O' Dixie.

The ceremony then moved into year 2016. Again, Randy Beets was World Open Water Champion. Hodge once more reclaimed his world record of longest swim with his 22.38 mile Chicot Challenge on June 11, 2016. Tabatha Whitten was named Rookie of the Year, and Randy Beets again was the Open Water World Champion, but additionally,his 2012 film on the Chicot Challenge 2012 was nominated for Film of the Year. Furthermore, Beets was nominated for Best Screenplay, Videographer of the Year, and Film Editor of the Year, Producer of the Year, and Directer of the Year. The entire movie was played for the attendees and Hodge was seen wiping tears from his face while watching himself on the big screen. 

Beets won all the film awards.



After the banquet ended and everyone was filing out, someone asked Hodge about the investigation. Apparently Hodge took offense, turned to take a swing at the guy but tripped, fell, and broke the only trophy he won that night.

Yeah, it was a bad night for Hodge.