Wednesday, November 4, 2015

And the Champ Is . . .

By Jay Unver

I recently sat down with the new Big ASS World Open Water Swimming Champion, Randy Beets. We discussed his victory, his plans, and of course his rivalry with Zane Hodge.

Unver: First of all, let me say congratulations on your victory.

Beets: Thank you very much. It was a long time coming and it feels great.

Unver: Tell me about the swim. How did you feel?

Beets: I felt good from the start. I knew early on it was going to be an above average day for me. The water temp was perfect, and we had a good flow. 

Unver: Were you disappointed that Hodge was not there?

Beets: That @$$. He's such a coward, a wussie, a wimp. If I could get my hands on him I would beat the #&@** da(( $i++ out of his a$$.

Unver: Tell me how you really feel.

Beets: I think he is a low down, worthless piece of crap who tried to taint my victory. If he were here right now I would stomp his little buzzard butt into the ground. You would have to stop it or be a witness in my trail.

Unver: That's pretty much what he said about you last year. He was shocked that you failed to show.

Beets: I was sick. Was he sick this year? No. He withdrew. It's not the same thing. He knew he was in for a whuppin and he just bailed out. It's shameful really what he did. I think Nomann should fine and suspend him, but it will never happen because Hodge is Nomann's little fair-haired boy.

Unver: So you don't believe there was an adequate reason for him not being there? He wanted to mess you up?

Beets: He found out at the Chicot Challenge that I could match him stroke for stroke. He was so stunned after that swim that he couldn't speak for a long time. I blew him out of the water, and he was immediately looking for a way out.

Unver: You forget, I was there. I'm not sure his emotional state was why he spoke so little. I was under the impression that he was too busy eating cookies to talk.

Beets: Dang his cookies. He only gave me like two. He ate a whole durn bucket full by himself. What a hog. What a dog. What slime. What a sorry excuse of a sportsman.

Unver: What about next year?

Beets: He won't show up. He's over as a threat at the Suck. I'll be the champion forever now.

Unver: What about the Chicot Challenge? Will you be involved with that?

Beets: I don't know. In the past, we have been able to put our differences aside and work together on a project that was, is, bigger and more important than either of us. This time, I don't know. The rift has grown pretty wide, and I just don't know if I could hold back an assault. I think I would whip his little butt if we came into contact with each other right now.

Unver: But there is time for you to enjoy your victory and get over Hodge.

Beets: I'm not yet over the 105 pictures he posted on Facebook last year, taunting me before the race. You knew about that? the 105 pictures?

Unver: He said that is the real reason you didn't show up in 2014 for Swim the Suck.

Beets: Dang what he says. I was sick. His stupid pictures had nothing to do with it!

Unver: But you just said that you weren't over it, the pictures he posted mocking you.

Beets: I'm not over being pissed off and thinking he needs an @$$ whuppin'. All of that was uncalled for. He has no restraint. He can't keep things in moderation. He has no sense of when enough is enough. He doesn't know when to stop. Since his momma didn't teach him how to act, I will have to do it for her.

Unver: Let's shift the conversation away from Hodge and back to you. What's next?

Beets: Maybe a trip to Mississippi for some fisticuffs. Maybe the Pensacola Bay Bridge Swim which is another one Hodge always ducked me in.

Unver: He says it just doesn't work in his schedule with the Chicot Challenge so shortly after.

Beets: He always has a excuse. Did you ever notice that, or is he your little fair-haired boy too?

Unver: I'm just a reporter.

Beets: Well report this.

Beets stood up and took a picture of Hodge from his back pocket. With a wicked snarl on his face, he ripped the photograph to pieces, tossed the shreds to the floor, and spit on them. He then wipped is feet on them and stormed out of the room.