A New Division in BAE

A New Division in Big ASS

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) In a socially-distanced news conference at the Big ASS Training Center in downtown Lehrton, Mississippi, Dr. Timothy Nomann announced big changes at the Association. Nervous reporters speculated among themselves before Nomann took the podium that he was about to announce the results of the investigation into the Randy Beets/Zane Hodge feud. Not to be, however.

Instead, Nomann broke to the world the new Association of Sports Sitters, a new venue for conduction sitting competitions of various sorts. At first, the gaggle of reporters seemed nonplussed. But after playing a couple of Beets' Horse Trough Chats, the idea seemed to gain some traction in the thinking of the newspaper men and women in attendance. 

"This will give Randy Beets a chance to win something," one reporter yelled from the back of the room.

"He will have some competition," Nomann responded. "Remember Bell from London, England? She vows to be a star in this Association and is eager to defeat Beets at every turn."

Annabel Lavers from England vows to
beat Beets at his own game.

"What about Hodge? Has he shown any interest?"

"He could not be reached for comment," Nomann answered.

"Why couldn't you reach him," someone else from the back shouted. "Was he just pouting?"

"I think he has entered the Witness Protection Program. That is what I've heard but I can't confirm it." At that, Nomann ended the press conference and asked attendees to clean their hands from the hand sanitizer dispenser mounted on the wall near the door.