Match Race

Match Race

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) Since the Association of Sports Swimmers, the Association of Sports Syclists, and the Association of Sports Shufflers merged in 2010 to form Big ASS Endurance, epic rivalries between Association athletes have raged. A new one has taken hold.

Long-time champion Zane Hodge is being threatened by new comer Mary Peyton Rodgers. The two had their first showdown September the 29th when the MDCC Greenwood Center held its homecoming 5K. Although Rodgers was only walking, she was barely beaten by a shuffling Hodge who seemed relieved not to be walked down by his co-worker.

A furious Rodgers threatened to "walk that little turd down, run over him, and leave footprints on the back of his shirt." Hodge was frightened by the ordeal and rapidly left red faced and trembling. 

Yesterday, October the 13th, a special match race was held between the two with the Association of Sports Shufflers sanctioning the event as the October Road 5K title. I went by Hodge's residence before the match to catch up with him and follow him to the linear park where the race was held. He was sweating profusely, while clipping his hair and finger nails to save weight. Not only that, but he cut an inch off the draw string of his shorts, and sprayed the top of his head with sunscreen so he could forgo a cap. "I will save weight on the cap, plus the aerodynamics, plus the heat trapping element of the cap."

"You're really worried about this aren't you?" I asked, surprised.

"Did you hear what she said about me, about walking me down, running me over, and leaving tracks on my back?"

"You don't think she will really do it do you?"

"Heck yeah, she'll do it. If she can. Have you ever seen her walk. She is fierce."

The contestants: Hodge the ancient
of days, Katie the strong of arm,
and Mary Peyton the long of leg

Scheduled for 2:00 p.m., the race started on time with Mary Peyton striding out to an early lead. Hodge had a look of panic on his face, but he and BK (Bad Kate) slowly reeled her in and passed. Hodge, who hung with BK for 1.1 miles in September, was determined to last longer this time. He did, going 1.9 miles with the young champion before falling off pace and almost falling down.

Nevertheless, he shuffled on, motivated in part by fear in part by pride. It was sad to see the aged champ being hunting like an old male lion on the Serengeti. He ruled for years, now he is prey and subject to a takeover.

Hodge struggled in just ahead of MP. He looked so distressed that the paramedics rushed him only to be pushed away by a still proud Hodge. Mary Peyton came in quickly.

"Uh oh. Here comes Momma and she doesn't look happy," Hodge said trying to inject some levity into the situation. MP smashed into Hodge and BK, sending the smaller woman pirouetting off the track. Hodge promptly left apparently fearing a fist fight.

Later, I went back to Hodge's home only to find the aged athlete with his feet propped up and sipping a glass of Kool aide at his backyard gym, Plate City.

"Well, I'm still champion," he said toasting me with his Kool aid. 

"No you're not. BK is."

"Well, I wasn't walked down and walked on."

"Congratulations," I said and left him there with his smile and his dog basking in his victory.