The Lonesome Loser

"The Lonesome Loser"

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) I went to the new Plate City Gym to check in with Big ASS superstar Zane Hodge. We sat, we talked, we drank coffee. I thought it would be worth sharing with Big ASS fans the gist of our conversation.

Unver: So what is new with you?

Hodge: Not much. Since I set all those world records in the Great Geezer Run, I have been trying unsuccessfully to flush Randy Beets from his hiding place.

Unver: What has Beets been doing?

Hodge: From what I can tell, he is just hiding. It looks like I have beaten him so much that he has given up. I can't get a rise out of him. He is Missing in Action. I even fear that Big ASS with cut him for noncompetition. 

Unver: Do you have any more victories planned.

Hodge: The Heart O' Dixie is coming up. Since it was cancelled last year, I am sort of eager to get back that and recapture my Big ASS triathlon title. I have also been busy setting Association of Sports Strongmen world records almost weekly. Yesterday I set a new world's best in the High Rack Pull with 280 pounds.

Unver: Wow, 280. What is Beets' best?

Hodge: Beets? What does a fork weigh?

Unver: Do you have anything to say to Randy?

Hodge: I was hoping you'd ask.

Hodge then hit a button on his gym stereo. The Little River Band came on. Lonesome Loser began to play. Hodge picked up and five pound dumbbell as a make-believe microphone and began to sing

         Have you heard about the lonesome loser?

         Beaten by that Zane Hodge every time

         Have you heard about the lonesome loser?

         He keeps losing and he just keeps on cryin'