Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Mystery Solved

Mystery Solved
By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, MS). The mystery of Zane Hodge's location has been solved. This reporter, clad in a ghillie suit and operating on a tip from a confidential source, hid his car and walked through the woods to the Lehrton County Coon Hunters' Association club house located deep in the woods off Jimmy Jack Road. From a safe distance and using a pair of high power, high resolution binoculars, I spied through an open window what looked like a despondent Hodge sitting inside. He appeared to be weeping while Junior Jones cooked steaks on grill on the porch. Around him was a gaggle of people, one petting him on the shoulder, another backwards-collar-wearing preacher praying, and a fat man who appeared to be a stand-up comic telling jokes. Their efforts seemed to have little positive impact on the distraught star swimmer.

Speculation as to Hodge's whereabouts and mental condition has been rampant of late and many have sought to track down the fallen and disgraced athlete. My latest intell said Hodge has been under constant supervision and on suicide watch since his plea and sentencing. From what I could tell looking through my binoculars, Hodge is in fact in a sad state indeed. 

One rumor had Hodge taking a submarine to Brazil where he allegedly was living in the jungle and surviving by hunting wild pigs and monkeys by day and hanging out at a bordello by night. Another rumor was sure he had fled to Mexico and was a short order cook in the tiny town of Guadalosta hid away in the mountains of southwest Jalisco. A third theory said Hodge had moved to Canada, undergone plastic surgery, and was surviving by picking up aluminum cans along Quebec's busy highways. But the old men at the barber shop were fully convinced that Hodge would never leave his cats. "He has a wife and cats in this town. Trust me, he ain't far away," said Smiley Bob Boggan.

I finally received a phone call from a trustworthy source that advised me to try the Coon Hunters clubhouse. "But don't be seen out there. They love Hodge and will shoot you at the drop of a hat because they think they are protecting him." I took the warning, secured the ghillie suit, and made the trip. 

Bingo! 

There sat Hodge inside the club house and surrounded by people attempting to help him cope. Besides the group who was attempting to cheer him up, someone brought him a bowl of ice cream, but even without the benefit of sound, I could clearly see Hodge was unmoved. At least now we know he is alive, and locally located, but he obviously needs more help than he is getting. If anyone can offer Hodge counseling, contact the Lehrton County Coon Hunters' Association at 662-897-0020.