Another Press Conference

Press Conference at Plate City

(Lehrton, MS)                                                                       By Joe Bob Higgins

For the third day in a row, there has been a press conference in the Big ASS world. This time, it was Zane Hodge hosting a conference at Plate City Gym. In attendance were me, Joe Bob Higgns of the Lehrton Gazette, and Jay Unver of Big ASS Endurance.

Hodge took a stand on his treadmill and said, "I thank all two of you for showing up here this morning. As a result of Big ASS's signing of Alaina Matthews, I have been thrown into a mental and emotional turmoil. I have been the face of Big ASS for thirteen years. Thirteen years. I have set and hold world records in cycling, in running, in powerlifting, in strongman, in triathlon, and in swimming. I did my part to launch the Association of Sports Strikers, ready to sign and fight Randy Beets unitl his mother sued us to prevent the match. I was willing to fight Robin Bond for the Inter-gender title before she backed out. I have done everything the Association has asked me to do for thirteen years. Thirteen years! Then yesterday with great pomp and circumstance, they sign a new athlete who has never done a single thing for the organization, and they pay her more than they pay me. Take a look at what they themselves announced in yesterday's press conference that her contract contains:

• one new race suit annually -- more than me. I get one used practice jammer per year
• two new pair of swim goggles per year -- more than me. I get one. It's supposed to be new, but I've always been suspicious. The packaging is always tampered with and the protectice lense cover is always gone
• a coupon for a free cheeseburger and a coupon for a nickel off on an order of fries -- more. I don't get the coupon for the fries.
• $8.00 cash -- more than me. I get $7.00
• a signing bonus --  more than me. Although Nomann didn't say how much the bonus was for, but I never got a signing bonus. Not a penny

"How can I not be upset about this? How is this fair? Are they trying to get me to retire? What the heck is going on here? Dr. Nomann has not answered my email, phone calls, or text messages. I am shocked, stunned, saddened, and no one will talk to me. I don't know what to do. What would you do? I'll take questions now."

I asked, "What are your options?"

Hodge's response was, "I could retire. But that's not going to happen. Maybe Nomann wants me to, but he'll never get the satisfaction of me voluntarily giving up. I could and will raise Hades. That's for sure." Then he paused a moment and seemed to be in deep thought. "Maybe I will re-sign with the Fast Track Fatties. They didn't pay much, but they never pulled a dirty deed like this on me."

There was another long pause. "Any other questions?" Hodge asked.

Neither of us responded. Then Hodge said, "Unver, you work for Big ASS. You know what this is all about. Tell us."

Unver's response was, "I'm here as a reporter."

"Well, take your reporter's cap off and tell it to me straight."

"I'm not wearing a cap."

"Unver, I could come back there and whip your a**."

Hodge took a few steps in Unver's direction. I stood up and got between the two men while Unver made his way out the back gate and was gone.

"I guess that's it, Hodge," I said to an angry man.

"Oh heck no. That ain't it. I'm gunna get Unver. I'm gunnna get Nomann. And I'm gunna get Matthews. Just you wait and see. Just you wait!"