Oh Lucky Me

"How many?"

"Four."

I could see the incredulity in his eyes, and I knew I was in for a grilling. 

Jay Unver had greeted me with, "Open up this gate you dumb ****head." I had walked out to Plate City at 8:00 a.m. after sleeping late Wednesday morning. Lucky for him, I had a cup of coffee in my hand or likely I would have walked back inside and locked the door without saying a word.

A sweaty Unver, who had run all the way from Lehrton, Mississippi to Plate City Gym, sat down on the bench while I took a seat on the overhead press machine. For meaness, I didn't even offer the small, middle-aged man a bottle of water.

"So tell me about the four workouts and offer proof if you have any." 

Ever since 2010 when Dr. Timothy Nomann purchased the Association of Sports Swimmers, the Association of Sports Shufflers, and the Association of Sports Syclist, and rolled them all up into the new Big ASS Endurance, Unver has been Nomann's right hand man. You could say he's the Dana White of geezer sports in Mississippi. Nomann is an innovator, an idea man, and Unver is the man who makes things happen. To those three branches of the new Big ASS, Nomann added the Association of Sports Strongmen which involves both powerlifting and strongman.

As a professional athlete with Big ASS, I have to electonically report my training each day. A failure to train can result in some sort of discipline. A falsehood on a report can result in big trouble. Unver was incredulous at my report for Tuesday and was there to investigate.

I opened my phone to Garmin Connect and showed him that I started the day swimming

  2,000 49:46

  2 X 50 build

  400 for time 7:48

  2 X 50 easy

  4 X 100 @ 2:30

  100 small paddles

  100 medium paddles

  100 extra large paddles

  100 large paddles

  200 easy

  total: 3,600 long course meters

"That's a good practice," Unver quipped.

"Darn tootin," I answered. The 2,000 worked my low-end endurance, the 50s got me ready for faster swimming, the 400 worked the heart rate, the 4 X 100 hit the fast twitch muscle fibers and the lactic acid system, and the paddles worked sports spedific strength."

Unver was satisifed with workout number one, and I was relieved. As a contract athlete with Big ASS, my annual compensation amounts to: two pair of swim goggles, one pair of used swim jammers, a coupon for a free cheeseburger at Bob's Burgers in Lehrton, and $7.00 cash. On that much money, I can't afford a fine.

Next, I showed him the Garmin Connect record of my run. Since my son and I had plans to cycle that afternoon, I only went 1.91 miles. But there was the incontrovertible proof.

Workout number three was lifting weights at the City. I went inside and retrieved my workout log, a notebook with handwritten entries on exercises, sets, reps, and weights. "Who would make all that up," I threw in. "Besides, if you doubt that, I think I can whip your ***."

Unver, who is a dead ringer for Woody Allen only with a bigger nose, didn't even respond to my threat. He just made a notation in a little notebook he had pulled out of his fanny pack.

For my next proof, I once more pulled up Garmin Connect on my phone and showed him the data on our ride: 32.42 miles. That's four solid workouts and that's the reason I slept in this morning.

"Okay, Zane. You're cleared. Now maybe we can chat."

Oh lucky me.