Press Conference

Press Conference

 Lehrton, Mississippi (July 14, 2023)                                                    Jay Unver 

Dr. Timothy Nomann called a press conference at the Big ASS Training Center in downtown Lehrton, Friday morning July 14, 2023. The excitement was palpable as the press gathered and eagerly awaited Nomann's appearance. It was widely speculated beforehand that Nomann would announce the signing of their latest athlete, Alaina Matthews. That is not, however, what happened. Nomann took the podium at exactly 8:00 a.m. and said:

"Good morning and thank you for being here. Today, Big ASS Endurance announces the formation of a new division of athletic competition and record keeping. In addition to

   the Association of Sports Shufflers

   the Association of Sports Syclists

   the Association of Sports Swimmers 

   the Association of Sports Strongmen and the now defunct

   Association of Sports Strikers

we are adding the Association of Sports Stupidstuff.

"The purpose of this new division is to foster athletic competion, to foster athletic fitness, and to foster athletic creativity. This organization will provide an impetus for creating and an structure for recording athletic endeavors that don't fall neatly into any of the existing Associations of Big ASS. For instance, a couple of years ago Zane Hodge did a max squat and a one-mile run for time in the same day. What do you do with events like that? We recorded his squat total in the Association of Sports Strongmen records, but the mile time? Now, we will retroactively record that accomplishment in the record books of the new Association. 

"You should be able to see the possibilities here. Hodge wants to do a max deadlift and one-mile run, and max squat and deadlift plus a one-mile run and all sorts of other feats that should be encouraged and celebrated rather than ignored as non-standard. The combinations are endless. And you may have noticed that lately Hodge and friends have been doing barbell carries. That is sort of a strongman thing, but not entirely. It, to my knowledge, has never been contested in strongman. We can record event like that under both Associations, the Strongman and the Stupidstuff."

Nomann then opened the conference up for questions.

Joe Bob Higgins of the Lehrton Gazette asked, "What about Alaina Matthews? Has she been signed?"

Nomann responded, "We are still in negotiations with her. We hope to have her on board soon."

Higgins also asked, "Will Hodge have any competition in this new Association?"

"He already does," Nomann responded. "He has his son, Forrest, and the very strong Paul B."

With no one asking any more questions, Nomann passed out coupons for a nickel off cheeseburgers at Bob's Burgers and dismissed the press conference.

Dr. Timothy Nomann