Mueller Investigation

Mueller Investigation Targets Big ASS

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, MS) After months of speculation, Dr. Timothy Nomann, in a called press conference at the Big ASS Training Center in Lehrton, Mississippi Thursday morning, confirmed the long suspected notion that the real target of the Mueller Investigation all along has been Big ASS Endurance.

Reading from a prepared statement, Nomann said the reason for his repeated denials of this in the past is that he and his association were under a court order demanding silence. "That order has now been lifted and we not only can talk, but are encouraged to," Nomann added.

When asked what precipitated the investigation and what was its focus, Nomann could only speculate. "We have done no wrong, so I am not worried in the least. My guess is they want to know about Randy Beets height, his irregular reporting, and his dismal performances against Zane Hodge."

Reporters screamed questions in a frenzy on subjects from A to Z. Nomann kept repeating that he had no specifics and that their guesses were likely as good as his.

One question that popped up over and over was, "Is it the athletes or the organization that is being investigated?" Nomann could only say that it is certainly the organization and that it might extend to the athletes as well. "From what we understand, everything is under the special counsel's purview."

Some critics of Big ASS have long accused it of having a monopoly on non-mainstream endurance sports. Those critics have called Nomann's acquisition of the Association of Sports Shufflers, the Association of Sports Swimmers, and the Association of Sports Syclists as an un-American take over. Others have argued that the three associations willingly merged and elected Nomann as its commissioner. 

"We don't know when this will end or when Mueller's report will come out. Until then, it's business as usual at Big ASS."