Victory over Beets

Victory over Beets

By Jay Unver

(Lehrton, Mississippi) Zane Hodge's decisive victory over arch rival Randy Beets at the 40th Annual Heart O' Dixie Triathlon is being hailed as a huge infusion of energy into the Big ASS league which has suffered lately due to Hodge injuries and Beets suspensions. When asked how he felt after crossing the finish line Saturday, July 27th, Hodge remarked, "Dang good. If that jerk were here in person, I could complete his demolition by punching his long face."

Hodge was referring to Beet's not showing up for the Big ASS World Championship Triathlon. Big ASS allows up the three in abstentia victories per year in Association events. Hodge had to make application for an in abstentia win over the tall man. The ratification of his victory came from Dr. Timothy Nomann himself this morning (August 1).

When contacted by this reporter, Hodge said that he already has in an application for another in abstentia victory over Beets in the upcoming Bike, Blues & Bayous bicycle ride which serves as Big ASS's world championship cycling road race. He also noted that he just filled out paper work after the fact for his Chicot Challenge to be counted as the Big ASS world open water championship and for an in abstentia win over Beets in that even also.

Hodge went on to say that he is lobbying the Association for an increase in the number of in abstentia victories. He wants to see the number increased from three per year to fifteen. When asked what he thought his chances were on getting the increase, Hodge replied, "I don't think I'll get the fifteen, but I'm pretty confident I will get ten."

I asked Hodge what would he possibly do with an additional seven chances to beat Beets' butt when is isn't around. He answered, "I plan to do some Buddy Bones Marathons this winter. I am going to defeat Beets in all of them. And then there is power lifting and strongman," two new sports the Association is now sanctioning events and records in. "Beets won't even lift weights," Hodge added with a sneer. "He says he is too tall, his words not mine. Well, too bad too tall Randy. You are going down."

Stay tuned, Big ASS fans. This rivalry is beginning to reheat.